Jaded

I gotta tell you. I know that dating is for learning and you gotta kiss a few frogs to find a prince. But man! I am pretty tired of this game.

This is my public announcement that I've decided to build the walls up. I'm done with jumping in with both feet. I'm done with getting run over and trampled. So I'm going to protect myself.

I can't afford to be so emotionally crushed every time it doesn't work. I don't have the time to devote to putting myself back together after the storm and turmoil.

So it's going to take someone really amazing to break me down again. I didn't realize how on the verge I was  but I am past the point of break. This was the last straw and I just don't want to do this anymore.

I am open to finding love and happiness and all of those things we strive for, don't get me wrong. I'm just putting on some armor, placing my heart in a steel cage, and pouring concrete around that cage.

So come and get me, Prince Charming. I'm ready and waiting.

Dear Baby Sister...

(Once again, it's birthday time. All can read this post if they so choose but it is a letter to my Baby Sis)

Happy Birthday Baby Sis!! Today, you turn eighteen years old. You are officially a grown up. You can legally vote. You can join the army. You can move out on your own and leave us all in the dust. Anything is possible, Baby Sis.

You've hit a lot of rough patches along the way to get to where you are today but those rough patches have made you twice as beautiful as you were before. You are only more amazing and only stronger for the things you've been through.

Right now, you're a senior in high school and some days it can feel like you're on top of the world. Well I just want you to remember to be careful Baby Sis. It's easier the higher up you feel to come crashing down. Don't get ahead of yourself and remember where you're coming from. But at the same time, don't be afraid to run full speed ahead!

Baby Sis, you're amazing. You are fearless and take no flack for who you are. I admire you for having the guts to do all that you do. You're braver than you know. In the two short-ish years you've been at high school in Colorado, you have turned us on our heads. You run yourself ragged but still go on with a smile.

I know that you and I aren't always as close as we could be but I want you to always remember that I love you with all of my heart. If you ever doubt it, just know that you are straight up wrong. You're an unstoppable force and I will always be there for you if you start to crash. I'll always have your back. I am forever on your side when you're backed against a wall.

At this most pivotal time in your life, there's a quote that's used a lot but I think is so crucial you take to heart (you've probably heard it).  In the last stanza of the poem, The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost, it says: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. 

What I want you to take from this is that you don't ever have to follow what is popular or what everyone thinks you should do. You must discern for yourself the best road for you. We all love you so much and only want the best for you but that doesn't mean we're always right. You must look in yourself and use that big, beautiful brain you've got in your head to decide what you must do.

The paths are diverging, Baby Sis. The time to decide how you will live and who you will be is now, but fear not! Like I said and I'll continue to say, I'll always be right beside you. It's a big scary world out there but you need not face it alone. We're in this together, through the end, forever and always.

Baby Sis, I love you more than words and I hope that you have the best 18th birthday in the history of forever! If there's anyone deserving, its you! I hope all your birthday wishes come true and that you always stay true to the amazing girl that you are and the amazing woman you're becoming every day.

Love Always and Forever, Your Biggest Sis

Dear Fool

(This is my little sister Grace. Today she turns nineteen years old. This post is entirely directed at her in the form of a letter. You can read it if you want but it's for her)

Dear Fool,

Today is your nineteenth birthday! YOU'RE SO OLD! Just kidding, if that made you old, I'd be ancient and we know that's just not true.

Anyways, I can't be with you today on your birthday because I'm away at school. But I figured I can still tell you some awesome stuff. Last time I was at school on your birthday, I gave you a journal and secretly stuck a letter in it for you to find without any parental units reading it first. I apologize in advance if I repeat myself but, as previously mentioned, I'm a few years older than you and therefore feeble and forgetful.

You're life is going places! You're so amazing and I think half the time you don't even see it. Yeah, you know as well as anyone that you can be a little conceited at times but it's GOOD to love yourself. It's GOOD to take pride in your appearance. It's GOOD to care a little about the image you give off. I hope that you are as happy with yourself as you try to put off the appearance of. You are a gorgeous girl and I hope that you really do see it.

In this last year, you started dating Zack. To that, I say you're welcome! haha. I know you were nervous starting out with this relationship but you guys have come so incredibly far. Zack is an amazing guy and I know that he treats you like the princess you are. He sees, just as I do, how amazing and gorgeous and all around cool you are. He's a keeper, little sister. 

One thing that I want you to know for sure is that I love you. I think you have an incredible amount of potential. You are a spit fire! I feel bad for the poor soul that tries to stand in the way of what you want or your dreams because you can take them down. I read something for my Book of Mormon class that reminds me of you. You probably know the scripture because it's quoted a lot and I think it might be a scripture mastery. It's in Alma (which I think is your favorite book in the Book of Mormon?) and the reference is 37:6-7. It talks about small and simple things. Well, my dear sister, you are a small and simple thing and you can do so many great things! You have the power to do absolutely anything at all and I hope that you realize it.

You're the best! And I hope all your birthday wishes come true. You deserve it, babe.

Love Always and Forever, N00b

From the Kindness of Strangers

I have finally made it back to Rexburg to continue my college education. And it is truly a blessing that I made it here.

This is the first time that I have driven myself to school without the assistance of either parent. And, boy, was I nervous! We finished getting my car up and running for the trip on Thursday, the day before I left. I also learned that day (a little late to do anything) that my car radio has some sort of security code that I didn't know about so my radio doesn't work. On top of which, I really need to get my brakes changed soon. Those were the least of my worries, though. All I cared about was that my car was up and running and I would be able to get to school.

Friday morning, I put my last couple suitcases in the car. My dad gave me a print out of the directions I needed in case Trixie Trixie (my gps) didn't follow the route I intended to take or didn't have a signal to direct me. My mom left for work when I left at nine to begin my excursion. I stopped by my former place of employment to pick up my last paycheck, dropped it in the bank, and was on my way.

It took a little bit to get used to driving Nemo again. He's pretty low to the ground and is pretty small so that was a change from driving either a mini truck or an SUV. After a little bit though, it seemed Nemo and I would get along our way just swimmingly.

I stopped first in Cheyenne, following my father's instructions to top off the tank even though I really didn't need gas yet. After a little stretching, I was back on my way and didn't plan to stop until Rock Springs. I was just starting to consider stopping in Rawlins for a quick bathroom break when all of a sudden,  Nemo starts to rock and swerve all over and I lose speed. I was really nervous because I knew I'd had so much trouble just getting my car up and running again. I pulled over to the side of the road to see if maybe it was just the road or, if my tire was indeed flat, if I could roll slowly the rest of the way to Rawlins. Well, neither of those were correct or possible.

I had a blowout. Strangely, it's the same wheel that I had a blowout on my first time riding to Rexburg back in 2009. I was looking at the tire and starting to panic. I hit full blown panic when, in attempting to contact one of my parents, I learned that I had absolutely no cell phone service where I was. Rawlins was still about 20 minutes away by car and I knew that if I had to walk out there to get help, I would never make it to Rexburg that night. I started to pray, or tried to. The panic had really set in so I really just ended up saying please really fast over and over again. Right as I was on the brink of tears and throwing up simultaneously, I saw a semi truck pull to the side of the road a little ways in front of me and put his hazards on. He hopped out of his car and started towards me.

I was so scared when I saw the driver because I started to assume the worst. Being in my panic-stricken state I don't know that I could manage much positive thinking anyways. As he got closer though, he started to talk to me. He asked me what the problem was and took a look at my tire. Then, he started back towards his truck to try to call someone to come help me out. He told me to get back in my car to stay warm. He also said something that really struck me and for some reason I knew things would be ok. He said "I promise you won't get hurt." Seems like a little bit of an odd thing to say because personal harm isn't normally a concern when you have car trouble but it was incredibly comforting. He called the state trooper and walked back to my car. He even gave me a Dr Pepper from his truck. He stayed there until the state trooper arrived and was on his way. My only regret in all of this is that I didn't get the truck driver's name. I would very much like to thank him for the kindness he showed me.

The state trooper was just as nice as the truck driver. His name is Lieutenant Flynn. (I'm hoping I'll somehow be able to find his address and send him a thank you letter.) He took a look at the tire then had me come back to his patrol car with him. He sat me in the front seat and let me use his phone to try to call my mom. While I did that, he ran my license and the California plate I had on my car, mentioning to the dispatch woman that I had a temporary in the window. I was still really nervous and was still pretty panicky. My mom didn't answer when I first called which I expected since it was a number she wouldn't recognize. Lieutenant Flynn put his phone in his pocket just in case she called so that we wouldn't miss it.

I couldn't remember if my spare was still in the trunk or not which is probably where part of my panic came from. Lieutenant Flynn helped me unload the things I had in my trunk so that we could check for my spare. I felt like I could finally breath when it was indeed there. Then, Lieutenant Flynn changed my tire for me. I don't know if he's required to do that sort of thing or not but it was really nice of him. It was cold and snowy so he got dirty kneeling in the dirt on the side of the road to change it for me. He was super quick, too. After I got everything back into my trunk, he sent me on my way to Rawlins, instructing me to drive slow with my hazards on so as to not have any issues with my very well used spare.

When I got to Rawlins, I pulled into the first gas station I saw that looked safe. I asked the girl at the counter where I could go in Rawlins to get a tire done and she directed me to Kilburn Tire just down the road. I pulled into the tire shop and, once inside, was greeted probably four or five times by different employees to make sure someone was taking care of me. A young man changed my tire for me in about twenty minutes or so. While I waited, I was able to charge my phone and was also able to use their phone to call my parents and update them on my situation. The people at Kilburn were all so nice to me. They also had this older big black dog roaming around the waiting room that sat by me and kept me company while I waited. After the young man finished with my tire I was able to get back on the road and it was all smooth sailing from there with only minor scrapes with weather as I got nearer to the Teton pass.

I'm so incredibly grateful for the kindness that the people I met showed me. They didn't have to do what they did and didn't have to be so nice about it either. I know that they were all an answer to my attempted pleading prayer. As I was on the road again, I said a thank you prayer for all the help and kindness I received. I know that my Heavenly Father watches over me and keeps track of me. He is acutely aware of the things I go through and I know this more now than ever before. And I feel his love for me and see his hand in my life every day.

21 years: a learning story

This year, I turned 21. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, this is a huge milestone and it means you are of legal age to drink. That part doesn't really matter to me since I don't drink and don't plan to ever drink. So I decided to think a little about what this birthday means to me.

I have been on this planet for 21 years. It has been twenty years since my first birthday where my parents assisted me in smashing my face in the cake. I don't have a picture of that on me but I have this one of my butt, five days earlier at my first Halloween!

I love this picture of me. I like it even better than the picture of me and my two similar age cousins from the front. I made a flipping adorable Pebbles if I do say so myself. So much has changed since then, it's crazy. Life was so much simpler then. I was ordered to take naps! Oh, what joy!

This picture is from when my sisters and I were way little but old enough that our shoes needed to be tied. Look at our hair! All of us, parents included! It's my opinion that the nineties were rough for hair. As a young family, this is right when I was learning how stuff works. I had to figure out how you're supposed to act around siblings. Like don't put them outside during Mommy Quiet Time. You get in trouble if you do that. I don't do that anymore.

If you count the candles, you can see this is from my sixth birthday. That's just before we moved to Illinois. My whole life changed course with that trip. I couldn't have known at the time this picture was taken that I would shortly meet my best friend in the entire world. I couldn't know that in the next ten years I would learn chocolate cake and chocolate frosting are the best for birthday cake, if you're too quiet you get passed over for some things, people don't mean what they say half the time, and (most importantly I think) nothing will ever stay the same.

This picture is from, quite obviously, my high school graduation. That's the year that I knew I knew that EVERYTHING changes. My grandpa got real sick and I learned people don't live forever no matter how much you love them. Later that fall I went away to school and learned that high school was a cake walk and college is way harder. Shortly after that, I learned priorities matter (that's a lesson I seem to still be learning). I learned for the millionth time that friends are easier kept when you live in the same state but I am also getting better at making friends.

Above, I turned eighteen. I thought I was finally a grown-up, a full fledged adult. Biggest lesson I learned, I'm soooo not. The only thing about me that was grown-up was maybe physically and legally. I still had (have) a lot of learning to do about being a grown-up and how that works. I thought I had learned how to set priorities (another one that I'm yet again still learning). I learned what it means to have a job and work. And then I learned not to look at the much bigger number above the smaller number they actually gave me (aka taxes kinda suck but everyone has to pay them).

This is 21 year old me. Penguins are my favorite animal. Tiffany blue is my favorite color. I love the zoo and museums of all kinds. I am working at my third job now. I'm going back to school in January. I have to buy a new radiator for my gimpy fish car.

Biggest Lessons I think I'm learning:

--->Life ain't easy. It never will be. But it's the people and things you surround yourself with that make the sucky parts worth while.

--->Our memories are what keep us sane. Everything may be changing but our memories will stay with us and comfort us when the people we grow to love most of all are no longer physically there.

--->You have to work at something really hard if you want it. Nothing will be given to you that's really worth having. And you will be given a lot of crap. That's something I think people like to give each other.

--->Most importantly, I am human. I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I struggle. I try my hardest but it doesn't always work. I have to learn to accept what's best for me even when I don't see it. I love my family and the friends I've made and kept because they support me and love me even when I do make mistakes and remind them I'm imperfect. I have a long, long way to go towards the person I want to be one day. But every day I take steps. Sometimes in the right direction, sometimes backwards, sometimes a little off to the side. My steps forward are always the most important and the biggest.

I'm growing up. I may be 21 but I'm still young. I've got a long road ahead of me. I will be strong, I won't give up.

True Love

I've decided to start back on blogging regularly and the topic I've chosen is, I think, the best way I know to do just that.

Now, I don't want my post title to confuse you. This is not about true love in the sense of a relationship between two people involving romantic feelings. This is about something much deeper. Something much more important. Something I wouldn't want to ever be without.

Last night, I had the opportunity to attend a YSA (Young Single Adult) Fireside with Elder David A. Bednar (a member of the quorum of the twelve) and Elder Donald L Hallstrom (a member of the presidency of the seventy) in attendance. I've had the incredible opportunity to be at a meeting of some kind where a general authority was there and/or spoke but this time was different. This time, it got personal.

This was not a typical fireside because they didn't just talk at us while we frantically scrawled their every word messily in our notebooks. Elder Bednar informed us at the start of the fireside that this would be our opportunity for a question and answer session. Not silly non-important questions or questions meant to buoy one up. Questions that we truly wanted the answers to and that are pertinent to our progression and salvation as sons and daughters of God.

I don't want to get into what all the questions were about or all the millions of things I learned. I just want to tell you about something that makes me incredibly appreciative and grateful for where I am and where I've been as well as all the opportunities I am provided with. If anyone wants to know something, I am of course an open book but this is not my focus in this post.

The thing that is apparent to me every time I have the incredible opportunity to be in the presence of a man called of God is the love that seems to almost ooze from their every pore. As soon as these two men walked into the chapel, the love they have for each of us individually was so apparent it was breath taking. 

The love these men have for me as a daughter of God was more apparent as the meeting began and they answered our questions. You cannot predict what people will ask in a setting like this but they always knew the right things to say and it was always comforting.

Toward s the end of the fireside, a very brave girl asked a very personal question. She explained that she was struggling with church attendance and depression. In attempts to comfort her, Elder Bednar asked her to come to the podium. I honestly didn't know what to expect. He gave her a card with all of his contact information (phone number, email, address, everything) and told her to keep in touch and he really meant it. The fact that he was willing to reach out to someone struggling so greatly and trying to do better in such an incredibly personal way makes his love for me all the more apparent.

At the close of the fireside, I had the truly wonderful, amazing, spectacular (I could exhaust every positive adjective along these lines but I'll stop here) to wait with everyone else in attendance of the fireside to shake both Elder Bednar's and Elder Hallstrom's hands. I would say this is my favorite part of the evening but it wouldn't be true because I'm saving my truly favorite for last. Anyways, the moment you reach these men (or anyone in their positions) the love they have for all of us as individuals is striking. It could knock you down it's so impressive and apparent and powerful and pure. I love it because there is nothing like shaking hands with someone that doesn't know your name but you know that they love you more than is at all conceivable.

Now to share my favorite favorite favorite part. Before I reached the Elders to shake their hands, there was a boy and his brother (I'm assuming they were brothers) that went across the front of the room to shake hands. The Elders stood near their seats at the podium which is only really accessible via stairs (at least that I could see). The boy's brother was disabled and in a wheel chair. Without knowing the whole story, it seemed that the brother had cerebral palsy. This boy did something for his brother that has the ability to catch me in my tracks and halt all ability to continue. He picked his brother up out of his wheel chair and carried him across the front of the room so that he would be able to shake the Elders' hands like everyone else. It was no easy feat to carry him and the Elders probably would have come down to shake his brother's hand if they had asked. The love he had for his brother was so incredible and so amazing to me.

I am so blessed. I have a mother and father that have my best interest at heart. I have two sisters that love me and I love them more than is expressible. I know that if any of the three of us were in similar situations as this boy and his brother that we would do the same. I know that President Thomas S. Monson, the prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is a man called of God and holds essential saving keys. I know that he and his apostles as well as all the general authorities love us. They love me wholly, perfectly, and individually without even really knowing me. I am blessed to have a knowledge of the true and complete gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that he died for me and, almost more importantly, he lives for me. He loves me. Me! Eliza Jean Gibson, an imperfect almost 21 year old girl who struggles in school and tries her best. He loves me more than I can understand. He loves me with a perfect love. He loves me profoundly. He loves me. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves you too, as much as he loves me and anyone else.

Something Long Overdue...

The above picture is pretty emotionally charged for me. This is me and my Grandpa and Grandma Gibson at my high school graduation. Just a few months after this picture, my Grandpa passed away after a long, grueling battle with cancer.

This blog post is all about my Grandpa Gibson, my memories of him and my love for him.

My earliest memories of spending time with Grandpa are all happy. When my parents were out in Illinois looking for a house for our family of five to move into, my sisters and I bounced around staying with assorted family and friends. I don't remember a lot about the places we stayed. The only one I really remember is spending the night at my Grandma and Grandpa Gibson's house. It was a school night and Grandpa got me up in the morning early enough to eat a good breakfast before driving me to school. I remember sitting at the island in the kitchen in the early morning light with a spread that covered the whole thing. There was toast, milk, juice, cold cereal, oatmeal, and I think pancakes. Those might not have been there haha. The funny thing about this is that I've never been a huge breakfast person. All I ate was the toast. But this experience stands out because, looking back, I see the huge effort my Grandpa made so that I would have what I needed.

I have a sort of collage of other memories from when I was young that accompany this in a way. My sisters and I got to spend a lot of time in the backyard with Grandpa when we would visit. He would watch us as we took turns jumping on the trampoline. Sometimes, he would carry us each piggy back from the trampoline to the tree house and back again. We would pretend that the grass was lava or something like that and, of course, he was immune. Sometimes while he was carrying us from tree house to trampoline he would go crazily out of the way (since the two were just a few feet apart).

Back in the day (haha), before the add on office upstairs was really finished, he would let us go up the stairs very, very carefully and see what progress he was making. It didn't make any sense what he would say about building things but it was just cool to be able to see it and be there since we weren't normally allowed there.

I also remember that Grandpa made the best wheat bread in the world. What was even better about his bread was that it became super duper fantastic toast. He was an awesome cook. He always cooked fresh vegetables from his garden for family dinners and they were always delicious. He also made awesome ice cream. He would put whatever fresh berries he had in the ice cream and (big shock haha) it was delicious. One type of ice cream that he also had that was consistently awesome was something we affectionately call mud. It's cookies and cream ice cream and it's the best. Some have tried to replicate it but no one can quite make it like he did.

As I grew up, my memories move inside. I would sit at the piano and play out of whatever book I could find there and he would just sit and listen to me play. When I would play primary songs, my sisters would sing along. At his funeral, the three of us sang A Child's Prayer. That was one primary song that I loved to play and I could sing with my sisters so we had parts. Singing at his funeral was one of the hardest things I've ever done. At the same time though, I wouldn't have it any other way.

My graduation was one of the last outings my Grandpa did. It's such a blessing to have the memory of having him at that first milestone to being a grown-up. I love my Grandpa so so much and miss him even more. I am grateful for the knowledge I have that I can see him again, that this isn't the end, and that goodbye is not forever.