She's Not a Baby Anymore

My Dear Baby Sister is celebrating her 19th birthday today and so this post is specifically for her. Make of that what you will, you know the drill by now.

Ok Baby Sister here we go!!

I am so proud of you and all that you've already accomplished in your not that long life. By this time next year, you'll already have your associates degree and that's pretty impressive darling. You are so smart and there's really nothing you can't do. I hope that I can convince you to come to BYU-I so that we can go to school together for like a little bit because that would be pretty dang cool.

You are also probably the toughest kid I know. If you hadn't been through enough with the hip surgery and stuff, you just had your tonsils and stuff out and that is crazy. Your pain tolerance is like through the roof I swear! Hopefully the hardest stuff is behind you now but if not I know that you can make it through anything because you just can. 

Baby Sis, I have always thought of you as my Baby Sister just because you're the youngest one. But you are so far from a baby. You have grown up so much and you're definitely taller than me now. It's more than just height though. We've been through a lot as a family and you've been right there in the thick of it with all of us. You know as well as any of us how to get through hard times, probably more than you should at 19 years old.

Even though you're basically all grown up now, you will always be my Baby Sister. I say this with affection too, I swear. I love you so so so so SO much. Like it's ridiculous. You will always be my Baby Sister because you're stuck with me. You can't get rid of me, babe. I love you and I can't wait to see what more you can do with this next year. Nothing will stop you from what you want and I hope that you take me along with you as you continue to grow and blossom.

I love you, Baby Sister. I can't say it enough.

Love, Your Big Sister

#nofilter

Today I got on a kick and started watching a bunch of videos on Upworthy and I think you should check the site out if you haven't because it's a site that can either make you think or restore some of your faith in humanity. Today was a makes-you-think day for me. I started off with watching this video where these junior high girls redefine beauty through "selfies" or pictures that they take of themselves. The video made me cry because these girls that are in such a tumultuous time in their lives are talking about insecurities they have and how those insecurities have often been emphasized because of the insecurities of the women they're closest to (the video focused on their moms) and then by the end of the video those things that each of these girls and women were most insecure about ended up being something they decided wasn't so bad.

So I got inspired and decided to do something of my own about it. I am insecure about the way I look. When I look in the mirror, it takes a conscious effort to not see everything that needs tweaking and needs improving. My eyes are too big for my head which is overall just too small. I can't do anything with my hair except for a pretty basic braid. Sometimes, my glasses are obnoxious. My teeth aren't perfectly white and they are no more perfectly straight. And that's just from the neck up, don't even get me started on all the other things I don't like about myself.

And if I think about it, I first felt insecure about myself in like the fifth grade. I saw some statistics today that talked about how eating disorders are manifesting in children under the age of 12 way more than they have before. I think we have a huge responsibility for those who are growing up behind us to make things better for them than it was for us. I think if we can't make the planet better or make it so they can live better lives than we have, we should at least make it easier for them to feel comfortable in their own skin. Let's stop the insecurity train here.

I have asked my roommates each to take a selfie in one shot, no retakes and no filters. I also asked a couple guys I know to do the same. Because insecurity knows not gender and I think that's another topic to conquer altogether.

Anyways, here are the pictures I've got. I have talked to almost all of these people about insecurities and personal image issues.

This is Alaura, she's a successful college graduate and is happily engaged to be married in April. She's so smart and always willing to help however she can. I'm constantly asking her health questions and call her Nurse Alaura (because that's what she does). She keeps us all on the right path and makes me want to be a better me. She's really just fantastic.

This is Mariah. She's the second oldest in her family and is super devoted to them. She speaks her mind and isn't afraid to hold back. She tries her best to make sure things get done the best they can and in a timely manner. She's got the purest of intentions and I truly admire her spirit.

This is Sheldon. She is mega talented and definitely going places. She always has a smile on her face and tries to spread that smile to those around her. She speaks her mind and says what she can to help in any situation. She's got a good head on her shoulders and already knows what she wants in life-- and it's definitely going to happen.

This is Allison (we call her Allie). If there is a personified definition of sweet and kind, this girl is it. She is always looking out for everyone around her and I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She is always very put together and collected. She wants to be an elementary school teacher which is so perfect because like I said they don't get sweeter than this girl and elementary school teachers are so important. I am constantly impressed by this girl's character.

Ok this is Allison aka my best friend. I'm super biased about how amazing I think this girl is. She does so much to make sure that everyone else is happy and okay. She really works her butt off for the things she wants most in life. She's amazingly talented and has a contagious singing voice. Basically, everything about this girl is contagious in the best of ways. She really just takes the cake on being amazing and the best friend you could ever ask for. Seriously guys, not even an exaggeration.

This is Cassie. She's kind of hilarious and wonderful and I love this girl. She is always telling jokes and making you laugh. She has a contagious laugh and wants the world to be happy. Personally, I think she seems to be succeeding in making the world a happier place. She has the best laugh in the world and she is so much smarter than she gives herself credit for. Her personality exudes out her pores and the girl glows happiness.

This is Levi. I'm also a little biased about this one. But I think he's amazing. He's a wonderful listener and obviously kind of goofy but in the best ways possible. He always puts a smile on my face even when I don't think that's possible and that's really impressive. He's resilient and strong. He can do anything he sets his mind to. I mean, anyone can but I've seen him do it. He's just great.

This is Jennifer (aka my mom!). She's way awesome. She's such a strong person and she's so cool. I can count on her to be there for me and she's definitely got my best interest at heart. She is also PHENOMENAL at cooking delicious food. If you're feeling down, she can pick you back up again.

This is Emma. I don't really know her but here's some stuff I've learned about her. She is pretty optimistic and that's fantastic. She's outgoing which is so helpful in this world that promotes keeping to yourself anymore. She's effervescent but not overly bubbly which is also fantastic. She served a mission for the LDS church which shows so much dedication and strong faith. And just from this little bit I can tell that she's gotta be pretty strong. Which sounds pretty awesome.

This is Scott. I don't really know him either but here's what I've been told! He's super duper nice and puts his heart in everything he does. He's way sincere which is so fantastic because so many people out in the world aren't. He's always willing to try new things and I think that's awesome because so many people in the world are afraid of the unknown but trying new things really prevents that fear. He's super helpful and way willing to help in anyway that he can. That's way nice because sometimes you just need a little helping hand and you can't always find it. So I think he's cool too.

This is Todd. We're fairly new friends and I've only hung out with him the once but he's pretty cool. He's super funny and can certainly carry a conversation. He's way into sports too. When I first talked to Todd, we were able to connect and become fast friends. To me, this can speak volumes about a person and who they are. If you're comfortable enough with someone that quick, you can handle pretty much anything the world throws at you.

This is Josh. He's Alaura's fiance and that's how I know him. He's a pretty cool dude. He's got sisters which has made it so much easier to talk to him about certain things. He's definitely got his friends' backs and he really cares about people. He treats Alaura like she walks on water and is so obviously in love with her which is so very very important. He's got strong convictions about what he believes and this is important in this ever flexible world. We need dudes like Josh to help us hold strong.

And then there's me. I play piano pretty well and I try to be kind and I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I know a lot of stuff and I have some sometimes overwhelming motherly instincts. I love to sing and I love everything music. I'm majoring in psychology because I think I might be able to make things better this way. I'm both an old soul and young at heart wrapped up into this beautifully constructed person. I have grown so much and I know that I will see my dreams come true.

Personally, I prefer my face a little filtered but I know that we don't see the world through the prettiest filter on instagram. We see the world as it really is and I think we (including me) need to do a better job of seeing what's really beautiful in all the world. 

We are what is most beautiful and precious in the world. Our personalities and spirits glow through our faces and people see that when we smile. Those things we've grown to accept as imperfections are the very things that make us the best this world has to offer. We don't look like the people on the cover of magazines but not even those people look like the people on the cover of magazines. We need to end the editing and filters. It's time to see real beauty in who we really are. By focusing on the character underneath, the person becomes a more beautiful thing.

I don't have kids but I hope some day I will and I hope that they will know better and sooner than I have that they are beautiful because of their imperfections. We are all beautiful. Not our own kind of beautiful or just beautiful on the inside. I believe the world will stop seeing the imperfections we carry if we stop shouting about them or covering them up with filters and edits.

My name is Eliza. I am not a conventionally beautiful girl. I am not magazine pretty. But I am beautiful in a more real and more important sense. And so are you.

For My Little Fool

This post is once again specifically for someone because it's their birthday. And no, I'm not writing to Zooey Deschanel (although that would be pretty dang cool...)

So remember how we saw this statue and decided we would make it look like I was pulling you out of it's nose? That was awesome. These are the kinds of memories I have of you my darling sister and I'm so glad. Oh my dear, I cannot believe it's been a year already since your last birthday. So very very much has happened this year and again next year this time things will not be the same at all.You deserve the world and you're on the track to getting it all. I wish I could be there with you to celebrate this day with you. You have been rocking it your way on this earth for two whole decades!!

Fool, I love you with all my heart. We don't always get along but when we don't, we work it out lickity split and that's wonderful. I'm so glad that you're so happy and that things have worked out so well for you. You're braver than you know, smarter than you know, and just so much better than you can know. You have some growing left to do but we all do and I know that you can make it. In almost two weeks, you'll be getting married to someone for time and all eternity and that is very grown up.

I only ask that as you start this next decade of your life and go so far that you take us with you. We know that things happen and we can't always be in close physical proximity to those we hold most dear but in another way we are forever connected and you won't ever be far from me. You have the ability, no matter where you go or what you do, to carry us as your family with you in your heart. Pinky swear, you won't ever leave us behind.

I trust you with the world and it sits at your feet, darling. I cannot tell you enough how much I love you. To say to the moon and back is just not enough. You're the best and I hope your birthday is truly spectacular.


Sincerely with all the love you can imagine and more,
Noob

So I Guess This is Growing Up

Hey some good news! After years of struggle and I'm pretty sure five semesters of being a sophomore I'm finally a junior in college which means that I'm finally over half way. I am on the down hill slope of my college career FINALLY.

Here's the dealio though. With this, there's the reality of things as they really are which is not what I had hoped for when I graduated from high school nearly five years ago.

OK DON'T ANYONE GET MAD AT ME, I AM HAVING A LITTLE PITY PARTY FOR ONE. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others and all that jazz but sometimes I get the best of myself and I just gotta get it out so it doesn't consume me and my thoughts.

After being happy for the progress I've made, I stop and look around and I don't know how I feel about what I see. I am behind in many, many aspects of my life.

Looking at education, I should have graduated this last spring but I won't be graduating from college until next spring at the earliest. I have friends that will have finished graduate school about the time I am thinking about what to do next with my life.

In a more personal aspect, did you know that when I was a junior in high school? I thought that I would be married with at least one child by now? I am so definitely not a wife or a mother. I would still love to be though. I'm extremely hopeful that this is still going to happen in my life. However, this is one aspect that if I stop and look around I'm also pretty disappointed. If people aren't graduating from school and steps ahead of me there, they are steps ahead of me with marriage and family.

Then there's me, Miss Stuck-In-The-Middle. I am neither here nor there. I am not graduated from college but I'm not just starting. I am not married but I at least like to think I'm far from an old maid. I am not at the end of the tunnel and I'm too far now to turn around.

But see, here's the positive side. I know so much better now what I want in my life. I know better how to take care of myself and others. I know that I am completely satisfied with the field I'm going to be working in. I know that I have options ahead of me and I more than likely will not grow up to be an old dog lady. I'm surrounded by those that really care about me and the people in my life are there because I want them there. If I had married the first person I thought I loved, I don't know that I would be happy at all with my life. If I hadn't made the mistakes I did that have determined my later graduation date, I don't know that I would appreciate my education as much as I do.

I think that's what growing up really is. It's not a passing of time and just meeting certain milestones. It's getting dealt a bad hand and still finding a way to come out the winner. Because if we don't find the positive in all around us, we'll be stuck in a permanent pity party for one.

And no one likes a Debbie Downer.

I Believe

This is a story I don't tell much if at all. It's very personal to me and religious in nature. If that's a problem for you, just take this warning and stop now. I am not opening what I believe to debate or criticism. If that's your goal this is not the place for you. I will not tolerate that. Anyways! Let me begin.

I've been watching and reading different things all over the internet lately mostly relating to being a girl in a rather cruel world and typically they bring tears to my eyes for all different kinds of reasons. After like the third night in a row of watching and reading, I felt a need to share this story with the world.

I must preface with this. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In other words, I'm a Mormon. I've been raised in this church, both my parents are members. We've actively participated in this church for as long as I can remember. I believe in the Book of Mormon as another testament of Jesus Christ with the Bible being that first one. I know that Christ is my Savior and God is my father. I know that when I pray, my Heavenly Father hears me and listens. More importantly, I know that he answers my prayers. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that he cares. I know he is acutely aware of me and what I'm going through. I know when I feel like I have no where else to turn, I can always always always go to Him.

But I didn't always know this.

When I was eight years old, I was baptized as a person to be counted officially among the number members of the LDS Church. I was confirmed with the laying on of hands to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost which we believe allows us to have the Holy Ghost as a guide and resource through the perilous and troubling world as we grow. I always hear people tell these amazing, spiritual stories of when they were baptized. They felt immediately clean and this warmth rush over them. They felt the spirit so surely and so strongly. But all I remember about that day is how cold I felt.

That was in the second grade. Either during the third or fourth grade (I can't remember which) I was learning to ride a bike. Similar to swimming, this is something that just sort of got interrupted because we moved so I was learning but I was behind. I wasn't very good. I was constantly crashing into mail boxes and parked cars. Then, one fateful Saturday, I was getting ready to go out and practice riding with assistance from my Dad. I put on a set of sweats because it was a little chilly and put my hair in a low pony tail to keep it out of my face. Then, I remembered learning something at church.

We had talked about how God will answer our prayers. We read a story in the Book of Mormon about these 2000 Stripling Warriors. They were righteous young men that took up weapons of war so that their parents wouldn't have to break a covenant that they wouldn't. Before battle, they prayed that the Lord would protect them. Previously I had been told that we can apply what's in the scriptures to our own lives and how God is the same now as he was then.

Well, I decided that since this was the case I would make it work for me. Obviously, I hated falling off my bike. I felt like a loser because I couldn't ride a bike yet and every time I fell it just made it worse. Before I went out in the front to try riding my bike, I read my scriptures in that same place where the story was. Then, I prayed. I prayed that God would protect me like he had the Stripling Warriors. I prayed that He would keep me from falling. I prayed that I wouldn't get hurt. At the close of this prayer, I felt confident that things were going to go really well that day.

I crashed that day harder than I ever had previously or ever would again. My dad was pushing my bike up the hill we lived on and let go when it seemed like I was doing well. I quickly lost complete control of the bike and was swerving all over the place. I slammed into the asphalt and slid up the hill on my face. I walked away from the scene with a huge fat lip, two black eyes, road rash down the side of my face and on my arms, and now looking back we think I might have broken my nose a little bit.

I don't remember how much my lip hurt or the bruises or scrapes except for the sting when we had to clean them. But I remember how terrible I felt inside. I didn't understand. I thought I must have done something wrong because in my mind God obviously didn't protect me. He didn't answer my prayer. He could have kept me from grinding my face in the ground but he didn't. And I couldn't fathom how that was possible. At the ripe age of nine or ten, I had a faith testing experience and it broke me.

I struggled to pray on my own and believe anyone was listening. I struggled to read the scriptures at anything more than face value. I no longer believed that God was listening to me or that he cared. I didn't think that he was looking out for me. In my mind, he obviously had much better things to be doing than watch over pathetic little me.

Even now, as I think about that time in my life, I get choked up. No one knew what I was feeling because I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell my parents, I didn't tell any of my bishops, I didn't tell my best friends, I didn't even write it down in a journal. But I remember it crystal clear and it stings like cleaning that fat lip.

Years down the road, I was fifteen years old and my father was out of work. He had briefly been employed at a company in Chicago but it didn't work out and so we were back on the job hunt. There was a job he was interviewing for in California and as a family we were supposed to pray that he would get the job. When we would pray together before bed each night and it was my turn, I would do as I was supposed to and pray that he would get the job but I never meant it. Honestly, I didn't want to move. I barely remember when we lived in California before and my whole life was in Illinois. I felt like if we moved to California my life would be over.

One night, I decided to give it a shot one more time. I prayed on my own before laying down to sleep and, after hesitating for an inner battle that felt like it lasted forever, I prayed that he would get the job in California. And I meant it this time. I felt like this one prayer wouldn't make a difference. There was as much chance of him getting the job now that I had prayed with feeling as there had been before.

The next day, my mom gets a call from my dad and they're talking. He got the job in California. To be completely honest, I was heartbroken because I didn't want to move. I know this sounds mildly silly but I felt like I was responsible for my dad getting the job. I felt like (I still feel like) he got the job because it's what I had prayed for. Only after I had calmed down about moving was I able to realize what that meant.

God was (IS) listening. God was (IS) watching out for me. God did (DOES) care about me. I matter and someone out there besides me really truly believed (BELIEVES) that. Everything I remember about prayers being answered for me comes after that. It wasn't over night but slowly all that I believed as what can be deemed a naive eight year old came back. I could again pray to God and believe that He would hear me and answer me. It was still a good bit of time before I knew that I was a daughter of God and that he loves me but I was back on that track.

I don't know why I fell that day. I know that if anyone could have prevented it, Heavenly Father could have. But he didn't. I don't know what the purpose is or was. I know for things to go contrary to what we've prayed for, it means God has different plans. I don't know the meaning for any of the pieces of what I went through.

I do know that I've come out the other side of what was a very difficult and spiritually dark time in my life. As I stated earlier, I know who I am and more importantly whose I am better than I ever have before. And I know that this is what matters most. The other stuff I've gone through, all the crap, it makes up my story and is a part of who I am. But at the same time it does not define me. It does not stop me. It will not hold me back anymore than it already has.

Dear Broseph

Dear Broseph
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! It's so crazy that it's only been about a year that you've been in our lives. You really are like the little brother I never had and I think you're an awesome dude.

A year ago today, Grace and I barely knew you and got you a caramel apple for your birthday because cake seemed weird. Little did we know that you would end up liking it better than if we had gotten you cake! In the relatively little amount of time that has passed since then you've become a pretty integral part of our family.

See that picture up there Broseph? See where you are? Smack in the middle. You probably didn't realize what you were signing up for by coming around but you're definitely stuck with us now. You can always count on us to be like your home away from home. We consider you a part of our family and you should never question that.

Broseph, as your honorary big sister, I want you to know that you can always talk to me about stuff. I will always do my best to give you the advice and friend that you need.

We love you Broseph and we're way glad that you're around. It's been a blast with you joining us and I think it can only get better from here.

I hope that you're nineteenth year was better than you thought it would be and that, now that you're way out of your teens, adulthood will be even better. You already know that being a grown up super sucks but it's not so bad as long as you've got one heck of a support team and you have that in us.

You're great and I hope your day is great too!

Always,
Eliza

I Have the Best Parents

This lovely couple right here are my parents. This post is for them. Because today is their wedding anniversary! 24 years of marital bliss!

Dear Mom and Dad,
Today marks 24 years since you two were sealed for time and all eternity in the Los Angeles temple. I am so grateful for all that you two have done for me and my sisters. You're seriously the best parents a girl could ask for and I am so blessed to have you as mine.

You two have been through a lot over the years be it illness, unemployment, relocation, anything! The thing that's most honorable is that whenever there's a problem, you guys go at it together. I've seen arguments and disagreements but you always manage to come together.

I can honestly say that I know what a loving relationship can be because of the love I've been so blessed to witness between you two. Sure, me and my sisters squeal and freak out with the overt affection in the kitchen. But you guys are so obviously still in love after all this time. You have fun together. You genuinely enjoy the company of one another.

Not only are you two a wonderful example of what I want when I get married one day (hopefully :P ) you are also terrific parents. Through all the life experiences and tumult you've been through in your 24 years, roughly 22 of them have been with a child tagging along. And you two have handled it pretty dang well I think. You had us quick and fast by some standards but you have always been parents. You have perfected being a Mama and a Daddy-- anyone can be a mother and father.

As you both know, I've been trying to train a chick the last week or so. My teacher told us today that this experience can be very insightful for parenting. I've always respected what you've accomplished with my sisters and me but now I have an even better insight. Instead of getting frustrated at the first hiccup, you've stuck with us. We make a TON of mistakes and you could very easily give up on us (especially since legally we're all adults now) but you stick with us. You take care of us. You don't just throw in the towel because it gets frustrating or because we seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. For reals, the effort you two put in on a daily basis is incredible.

So I want to thank you two for showing me what marriage can and should be as well as what I as a parent can work towards. I love you both so very very much and I wouldn't be half the person I am today without you two in my life. You are a stalwart example in my life.

Here's to a happy 24 years and eternity to go!

I love you,
Your Oldest Child