Oh Life

I'm awful at writing regularly. I always say I'm going to start writing at least once a week or every Sunday or something like that. But then I forget or I put it off and then I end up not writing anything.

I think part of my problem is I get annoyed with my writing. I want it to be deep and meaningful. I want it to stick in a person's soul. It needs to resonate. It needs to be important. And I get all these ideas of deep and important and meaningful things to write. But then any words I try to put down seem hopelessly inadequate, canned, and unoriginal.

I read something online just a little while back that was a quote or something from someone who's name I don't remember that basically stated no matter what we write or try to do creatively, we will always be bored with it because we've read it a million times. We've listened to it thousands of times. We've read and seen every single draft. Of course the idea is boring to us, we wrote it. We've spent more time with it than any other person ever.

I've decided I need to be less critical of myself. I know I can do good things and that I have important things in my head that need to get out. I just need to give my words a chance. They're not so bad. I just know them too well.

So you will be hearing more from me. I love writing when I let myself love it. Sometimes, I think I'll write from some kind of prompt, like a short story. Sometimes it'll be a commentary on something because I have too many opinions for my own good. But regardless, it will be my words that I put out into the world, for the world.

Stay Tuned.

#Hallelujah

(Side note before I start, I apparently like to comment on the churchy hashtags. My life. Back to your regular programming now!)

With Easter fast approaching this weekend and then the LDS General Conference the following week, church and specifically my faith have been on my mind a lot lately. I also have been preparing for some important churchy stuff with the whole getting married thing. So when I saw a post on instagram from one of the many inspirational, LDS accounts that I follow asking what about my Savior and my faith brings me to shout "Hallelujah!" I had to think just a bit.

The reason I had to think was because I actually have a lot to be grateful for. In the last several years, I would not have survived without my faith and my Savior. My life has pretty much done a 180 and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it wouldn't be possible without Christ, in whom I can do all things. Allow me to elucidate, with specific examples and testimony :)

Seven years ago, I was in my senior year of high school (GROSS I'M OLD) and looking back I realize that this was one of my lowest points in my personal testimony. I've talked before about how shaken my testimony was but this was the start of coming out of it and things had to get worse before it got better.

In my senior year of high school, my paternal grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. His diagnosis was in such a way that it wasn't so much a matter of if he would pass from it as much as it was a matter of how much time we had left with him. He passed away the summer following graduation and before I went up to school. I was really shaken. I had family members die before but this is the first time it really felt personal and I felt pain. The day of the funeral was the absolute hardest. My sisters and I were to sing a children's hymn and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was praying constantly the whole day just to make it through the day. I won't recount specifically what happened because it is so very personal to me but something happened that day that confirmed to me that there are ministering angels among us. The Lord does not abandon us in our time of need; he hears our prayers.

When I went away to school that first year, I was really dumb. I did pretty much the exact opposite of whatever my parents wanted and I really suffered the consequences. Coming back that summer, I had choices to make. I needed to change what I was doing. I know that the Savior was there for me. I know that he carried me when I needed it and sustained me when I was afraid.

Since that time, I've been on a rollercoaster. I've gone back and forth to Rexburg (heading back again shortly, this fall but for different reasons I'll get to) and I've gone back and forth in relationships. All of the rollercoaster was a steady up and down until about two years ago now. Then, it was like the bottom fell out and I was just plummeting to rock bottom at lightning speed. Unfortunately, I seem to learn to rely on the Savior best when I'm struggling the most. I got sick (you're probably tired of hearing about it) and got more blessings for healing than I have in a long time. At the same time while I was recovering from this, I dealt with some personal heart break. As I was on the outs of this illness, I started dating again and, again, faced some heartbreak. There is nothing quite like the literal pain you feel in your chest when someone hurts you like that. I remember pleading in prayer to not feel because being numb would be better than what I was feeling. I remember begging to never feel it again. Heavenly Father didn't stop the pain but he provided me a way to heal. I became close friends with someone who has been an incredible blessing in my life and I know that the Lord put her in my path because it is what I needed. I threw myself into my callings at church and was so very blessed. I worked in the Relief Society presidency and felt so much happiness simply from serving the girls in my ward.

When I was finally into a good place (a better place than I may have ever been), the Lord continued to bless me and I've met the man I'm going to spend eternity with. I've started school again and am making better progress and learning more than I have towards what I want to do in a long, long time. I feel like my life is in the absolute best place and I'm so incredibly blessed. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am where I am because of my Savior. He carried me through my darkest times and worked to strengthen me in a way that I could be where I am now. I would not be here without him. I would not be as happy as I am were it not for my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Tonight, I'm going to watch a special broadcast of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Handel's Messiah and I'm so excited. I love this piece of music because of the incredible power in it. I plan to be emotional. More than anything, I'm excited because I get to share this special experience with my fiance. He is such a blessing in my life and I am so blessed to be able to share something so important and so personal with the person who has come to matter most to me.

May we all share with those who matter most to us in the joys that come from relying on the Savior, especially at this weekend as we celebrate the Easter holiday. A lot of the world focuses on the fact that Christ died to forgive our sins but the most important part is that he rose on the third day and that he lives for us. My goal in this life is to repay him for all he has done for me in any way that I can, no matter how impossible it will be to repay my debts. As he lives for me, I will live for my savior and I will be his hands in this world serving those around me however I can. He has done everything for me and I can never repay that but I will try.

I will sing his praises, I will shout #Hallelujah in praise of his name and all that he has done for me. May we remember our Savior this weekend and every day and may we live for him as he does for us.

A Year In Review

I'm terrible at updating my blog. I've been thinking I should write on my blog pretty much once a week for the last year that I haven't written. Which is terrible. I'm terrible. I have a plan to do better now. But I should probably update the world on my life. The three people in Russia that look at my blog all the time are probably really confused about where I fell off the face of the earth considering I updated my blog once in 2015 and it's three months into 2016 now. Anyways. Enough of that.

So! Life has been pretty wonderful in the last year actually. And I don't feel like I get to say that very often. I've started the BACO program with Indiana Wesleyan University online for Addictions Counseling and that's going really well I think. Since the classes are shorter, I feel like I don't have enough time to screw it up.

In last spring, I started dating a guy named Rusty. And now all the details for you! We went on group dates with our friends that got married in November(on my birthday! Happy birthday to me!) We went to Rexburg for the 4th of July together which was pretty fun. In the fall, we were walking around the mall near where we live and ended up looking at engagement rings. Things were crazy because we were just looking to get an idea of what was going on and then this guy asked another associate what we were doing. Then when the sales associate said we were looking at engagement and wedding rings, he gave us a hundred dollars towards our purchases. We decided that was like a sign that we were in the right place at the right time doing what we were supposed to be doing. So we ended up buying all three rings that day- my engagement ring, my wedding band, and his wedding band.

After that, Rusty took his parents out to dinner and then he took my Dad out to dinner. He wanted to do some big proposal thing like what you see on youtube but I told him not to worry about it and just be himself and do something that mattered to the both of us. He finally proposed in October and now we're getting married in three months!

We set the date for June 4th. That just so happens to be my grandmother's birthday so I spoke with her about it before setting it to make sure she was okay sharing her day with us. Things have been really rolling forward in the last couple months too. I bought a dress in January and I would show you pictures but I don't want Rusty to see. Our theme is a 1950s Fairytale and we're doing a lot of the decorations on our own so we've been working on getting things together for that. We have eight bridesmaids, eight groomsmen, two junior bridesmaids, a flower girl, and a ring bearer. It's a lot of people to coordinate but so far I think it's working. I'm not going to tell you all the details because then I'd have nothing exciting to show and tell when the wedding actually happens.

Also, my lovely little Noob (Grace) is pregnant!! Woohoooo! Her and Zach found out that they're having a girl almost a month ago now. The baby is due the end of June. So June is going to be a crazy month for us!

Rusty is working on his application to school and so come fall we're planning on being in Rexburg if everything goes accordingly. We've been doing some apartment hunting online and we've got a couple complexes we're planning on applying to. My biggest worry is getting a full time job in Rexburg that will be enough for us to live on. I guess we'll see what happens.

That's pretty much my life in a nut shell. I've learned a lot in the last year, whether in school, relationships, or just about myself. Really, I can go into more details about that stuff in different posts but I figured I owed you (whoever you are) a starting point for where I am.

I am excited to go forward and learn even more. Hopefully life stays rolling forward and as bright as it is now.

#BecauseHeLives

I'm going to start this post on a few seemingly unrelated notes. But give me a little wiggle room and I'll loop it all back, I promise.

It's been awhile since I've written on my blog. Like off the top of my head I want to say it's probably been about a year. That's quite a break, I'm sorry. But I have my reasons! First of all, I'm a little hard on myself when it comes to what I write and I always want what I write to feel at least kind of like I'm saying something important. Secondly, it's been kind of a rough year of ups and downs.

In the last year, almost everything has changed. I've dated and encountered heartbreak. I faced circumstances that forced my hand in changing directions for schooling. I started a full time job, closely fitting what I know how to do now as well as getting me closer to the field I want to work in. I also faced some health issues along the way. But I talked about the basics of all of that awhile ago as well so I won't bore you with those repeated details. Suffice to say, I've met a fair share of heartache in my life and this last year was obviously no exception.

Okay, now another quick note before looping back around!

About a month and a half ago, my mother sent everyone in our little expanding family an article that discusses ways to observe lent if you're not Catholic. There, of course, was the obvious choice of giving up a vice or two. There were other options as well like adding one or two good habits in your life like eating better or exercising. The one option that stuck out to me most as something I would be able to do was to wear purple as a visual reminder of Jesus Christ and what he has done for us.

I have a pair of purple gem stud earrings that my grandmother gave to me a couple years ago. I had planned to do a few other things in my personal observance of lent but I figured wearing these small earrings everyday until the end of lent (Easter) would be easy enough and something that I would be able to do even if my other plans fell by the wayside.

Did you know that wearing the same pair of earrings everyday for nearly two months is a lot more difficult than it initially sounds? That pair of earrings seemed to get heavier and bulkier every day. The holes of my pierced ears began to be sore and tired. It no longer became the easy thing I thought it would be.

(Now I'm going to work magic and tie this all together in a way you might already see coming)

There's a hashtag that's been trending as part of this Easter season, #becausehelives. The purpose of this hashtag was to spread the word of our love for the Savior as well as a way to share our individual testimonies of the Savior and the message of the LDS church. From the first time I saw the hashtag this season, I've tried to think of a way that would encompass all I feel and believe in a way that I could be satisfied with. I almost ran out of time before I finally thought of something. And you're reading it!

Like I said in the beginning, I've been through so much this last year and through every twist and turn, one of the only constants I've been able to rely on is the companionship and love of my Savior, Jesus Christ. He is there for me and His love for me is ever present. I've been protected from those hardships that I might not be able to handle.

Wearing those little purple earrings that seemed heavier everyday was nothing in comparison of the burden Christ bore for me. He bled from every pore. He was in all senses of the word tortured and brutally killed. And all this he would have done if it were only for my sake. I can't even fully comprehend the pain he must have suffered and yet he would even do it again for me! Me, the one who constantly makes mistakes and doesn't do enough of what I should. Me, who complains too much and so easily wastes incredible opportunities.

He did all he did for me!! And that's incredible.

Beyond the sacrifice of death, more important even, Christ rose from the grave. And because he conquered death, I can too. #BecauseHeLives there is nothing in this world I cannot accomplish. #BecauseHeLives I can live with him and my Heavenly Father again. #BecauseHeLives I know that anything I go through will be seemingly insignificant and entirely conquerable.

He did the impossible so that I don't have to. His love amazes me every day and I only hope that I can live my life in such a way that he feels no disappointment because of me. I'm a work in progress and I'm not perfect but he loves me anyway.

#BecauseHeLives I can live.

"Every beetle is a gazelle in the eyes of it's mother"

Today is mother's day! I probably can't make this post as long and poetic as it deserves but I have a short story for you all, in honor of my own mother.

In the above picture, I'd like you to take special notice of the strand of pearls around my neck. They are very important to our story.

These pearls used to be my mother's pearls. I used to borrow them all the time. They're the perfect length, hanging right at my collar bone. They also make me feel really classy! 

I borrowed my mother's pearls so much that I started asking for a short strand of pearls just like Mom's at Christmas time and birthdays. Then, one Christmas (probably a few years after I began my persistent asking) I finally got what I had been asking for. I was so excited to open the little box that contained my own strand of pearls.

The thing that took me a moment to realize was that this strand of pearls I was now claiming as my own were in fact the same strand of pearl I had so long coveted. My mother had searched far and wide, keeping her eyes peeled as I continuously and probably obnoxiously asked for pearls just like hers. And yet, in this endless quest, she couldn't find what I was looking for.

Instead of calling it quits, my mother did something that all loving mothers do. She made a sacrifice for me. She gave me her pearls because I am her daughter and it was something I wanted. She's a wonderful mother and I am so blessed that she is mine. She takes care of me and my two sisters. She looks out for me and wants me to succeed. She is everything I could ask for and more. I can count on her to always be there for me.

And someday, when she no longer is physically standing by my side, I will always have my mother's pearls.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

So I know it's been a ridiculously long time since I've written on my blog. It was a really rough couple of months, especially April.

I got pneumonia in February and through my lack of stopping and stress and such, I then got mononucleosis. That was a big rough spot. I even spent a night in the ER because of it. I was going to be staying at school through the summer in attempts to sort of get ahead but because of my unfortunately timed illness, I am home for my foreseeable future.

On top of my terrible health, I met the end of yet another relationship. Shockingly, this one really snuck up on me. I don't understand what happened or why so I can't explain. I am working hard to not think too much on it and just pick up my pieces and carry on.

From the beginning of April to the end, it was especially rough since that's where the majority of my hardships have fallen. Because of this, my life motto right now is (like the title of this post) "April Showers Bring May Flowers."

I know that life won't be sunshine and rainbows from now on just because I say so. I wouldn't want that anyways. I'm simply deciding to change my attitude and go forward with a bit of a plastered smile. I am going forward with the intent that things within my control will be different-- this much I can do.

I am going to throw myself into being the best me that I can be. I'm doing this because, in my experiences, this is when things are the best. When I am my best self is when other things fall into place, life is golden, I'm happiest, and people with only positive things to offer come into my life.

I have decided to put off former bad habits (this is a rough work in progress) and to pick up a few more positive ones.

I am not perfect and I know I'm a work in progress. The important thing is not that I recognize my faults but instead where I'm working on those faults. This is a new beginning and nothing will be the same. I am changing for the better, I hope that you can keep up.

She's Not a Baby Anymore

My Dear Baby Sister is celebrating her 19th birthday today and so this post is specifically for her. Make of that what you will, you know the drill by now.

Ok Baby Sister here we go!!

I am so proud of you and all that you've already accomplished in your not that long life. By this time next year, you'll already have your associates degree and that's pretty impressive darling. You are so smart and there's really nothing you can't do. I hope that I can convince you to come to BYU-I so that we can go to school together for like a little bit because that would be pretty dang cool.

You are also probably the toughest kid I know. If you hadn't been through enough with the hip surgery and stuff, you just had your tonsils and stuff out and that is crazy. Your pain tolerance is like through the roof I swear! Hopefully the hardest stuff is behind you now but if not I know that you can make it through anything because you just can. 

Baby Sis, I have always thought of you as my Baby Sister just because you're the youngest one. But you are so far from a baby. You have grown up so much and you're definitely taller than me now. It's more than just height though. We've been through a lot as a family and you've been right there in the thick of it with all of us. You know as well as any of us how to get through hard times, probably more than you should at 19 years old.

Even though you're basically all grown up now, you will always be my Baby Sister. I say this with affection too, I swear. I love you so so so so SO much. Like it's ridiculous. You will always be my Baby Sister because you're stuck with me. You can't get rid of me, babe. I love you and I can't wait to see what more you can do with this next year. Nothing will stop you from what you want and I hope that you take me along with you as you continue to grow and blossom.

I love you, Baby Sister. I can't say it enough.

Love, Your Big Sister