21 years: a learning story

This year, I turned 21. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, this is a huge milestone and it means you are of legal age to drink. That part doesn't really matter to me since I don't drink and don't plan to ever drink. So I decided to think a little about what this birthday means to me.

I have been on this planet for 21 years. It has been twenty years since my first birthday where my parents assisted me in smashing my face in the cake. I don't have a picture of that on me but I have this one of my butt, five days earlier at my first Halloween!

I love this picture of me. I like it even better than the picture of me and my two similar age cousins from the front. I made a flipping adorable Pebbles if I do say so myself. So much has changed since then, it's crazy. Life was so much simpler then. I was ordered to take naps! Oh, what joy!

This picture is from when my sisters and I were way little but old enough that our shoes needed to be tied. Look at our hair! All of us, parents included! It's my opinion that the nineties were rough for hair. As a young family, this is right when I was learning how stuff works. I had to figure out how you're supposed to act around siblings. Like don't put them outside during Mommy Quiet Time. You get in trouble if you do that. I don't do that anymore.

If you count the candles, you can see this is from my sixth birthday. That's just before we moved to Illinois. My whole life changed course with that trip. I couldn't have known at the time this picture was taken that I would shortly meet my best friend in the entire world. I couldn't know that in the next ten years I would learn chocolate cake and chocolate frosting are the best for birthday cake, if you're too quiet you get passed over for some things, people don't mean what they say half the time, and (most importantly I think) nothing will ever stay the same.

This picture is from, quite obviously, my high school graduation. That's the year that I knew I knew that EVERYTHING changes. My grandpa got real sick and I learned people don't live forever no matter how much you love them. Later that fall I went away to school and learned that high school was a cake walk and college is way harder. Shortly after that, I learned priorities matter (that's a lesson I seem to still be learning). I learned for the millionth time that friends are easier kept when you live in the same state but I am also getting better at making friends.

Above, I turned eighteen. I thought I was finally a grown-up, a full fledged adult. Biggest lesson I learned, I'm soooo not. The only thing about me that was grown-up was maybe physically and legally. I still had (have) a lot of learning to do about being a grown-up and how that works. I thought I had learned how to set priorities (another one that I'm yet again still learning). I learned what it means to have a job and work. And then I learned not to look at the much bigger number above the smaller number they actually gave me (aka taxes kinda suck but everyone has to pay them).

This is 21 year old me. Penguins are my favorite animal. Tiffany blue is my favorite color. I love the zoo and museums of all kinds. I am working at my third job now. I'm going back to school in January. I have to buy a new radiator for my gimpy fish car.

Biggest Lessons I think I'm learning:

--->Life ain't easy. It never will be. But it's the people and things you surround yourself with that make the sucky parts worth while.

--->Our memories are what keep us sane. Everything may be changing but our memories will stay with us and comfort us when the people we grow to love most of all are no longer physically there.

--->You have to work at something really hard if you want it. Nothing will be given to you that's really worth having. And you will be given a lot of crap. That's something I think people like to give each other.

--->Most importantly, I am human. I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I struggle. I try my hardest but it doesn't always work. I have to learn to accept what's best for me even when I don't see it. I love my family and the friends I've made and kept because they support me and love me even when I do make mistakes and remind them I'm imperfect. I have a long, long way to go towards the person I want to be one day. But every day I take steps. Sometimes in the right direction, sometimes backwards, sometimes a little off to the side. My steps forward are always the most important and the biggest.

I'm growing up. I may be 21 but I'm still young. I've got a long road ahead of me. I will be strong, I won't give up.

True Love

I've decided to start back on blogging regularly and the topic I've chosen is, I think, the best way I know to do just that.

Now, I don't want my post title to confuse you. This is not about true love in the sense of a relationship between two people involving romantic feelings. This is about something much deeper. Something much more important. Something I wouldn't want to ever be without.

Last night, I had the opportunity to attend a YSA (Young Single Adult) Fireside with Elder David A. Bednar (a member of the quorum of the twelve) and Elder Donald L Hallstrom (a member of the presidency of the seventy) in attendance. I've had the incredible opportunity to be at a meeting of some kind where a general authority was there and/or spoke but this time was different. This time, it got personal.

This was not a typical fireside because they didn't just talk at us while we frantically scrawled their every word messily in our notebooks. Elder Bednar informed us at the start of the fireside that this would be our opportunity for a question and answer session. Not silly non-important questions or questions meant to buoy one up. Questions that we truly wanted the answers to and that are pertinent to our progression and salvation as sons and daughters of God.

I don't want to get into what all the questions were about or all the millions of things I learned. I just want to tell you about something that makes me incredibly appreciative and grateful for where I am and where I've been as well as all the opportunities I am provided with. If anyone wants to know something, I am of course an open book but this is not my focus in this post.

The thing that is apparent to me every time I have the incredible opportunity to be in the presence of a man called of God is the love that seems to almost ooze from their every pore. As soon as these two men walked into the chapel, the love they have for each of us individually was so apparent it was breath taking. 

The love these men have for me as a daughter of God was more apparent as the meeting began and they answered our questions. You cannot predict what people will ask in a setting like this but they always knew the right things to say and it was always comforting.

Toward s the end of the fireside, a very brave girl asked a very personal question. She explained that she was struggling with church attendance and depression. In attempts to comfort her, Elder Bednar asked her to come to the podium. I honestly didn't know what to expect. He gave her a card with all of his contact information (phone number, email, address, everything) and told her to keep in touch and he really meant it. The fact that he was willing to reach out to someone struggling so greatly and trying to do better in such an incredibly personal way makes his love for me all the more apparent.

At the close of the fireside, I had the truly wonderful, amazing, spectacular (I could exhaust every positive adjective along these lines but I'll stop here) to wait with everyone else in attendance of the fireside to shake both Elder Bednar's and Elder Hallstrom's hands. I would say this is my favorite part of the evening but it wouldn't be true because I'm saving my truly favorite for last. Anyways, the moment you reach these men (or anyone in their positions) the love they have for all of us as individuals is striking. It could knock you down it's so impressive and apparent and powerful and pure. I love it because there is nothing like shaking hands with someone that doesn't know your name but you know that they love you more than is at all conceivable.

Now to share my favorite favorite favorite part. Before I reached the Elders to shake their hands, there was a boy and his brother (I'm assuming they were brothers) that went across the front of the room to shake hands. The Elders stood near their seats at the podium which is only really accessible via stairs (at least that I could see). The boy's brother was disabled and in a wheel chair. Without knowing the whole story, it seemed that the brother had cerebral palsy. This boy did something for his brother that has the ability to catch me in my tracks and halt all ability to continue. He picked his brother up out of his wheel chair and carried him across the front of the room so that he would be able to shake the Elders' hands like everyone else. It was no easy feat to carry him and the Elders probably would have come down to shake his brother's hand if they had asked. The love he had for his brother was so incredible and so amazing to me.

I am so blessed. I have a mother and father that have my best interest at heart. I have two sisters that love me and I love them more than is expressible. I know that if any of the three of us were in similar situations as this boy and his brother that we would do the same. I know that President Thomas S. Monson, the prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is a man called of God and holds essential saving keys. I know that he and his apostles as well as all the general authorities love us. They love me wholly, perfectly, and individually without even really knowing me. I am blessed to have a knowledge of the true and complete gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that he died for me and, almost more importantly, he lives for me. He loves me. Me! Eliza Jean Gibson, an imperfect almost 21 year old girl who struggles in school and tries her best. He loves me more than I can understand. He loves me with a perfect love. He loves me profoundly. He loves me. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves you too, as much as he loves me and anyone else.

Something Long Overdue...

The above picture is pretty emotionally charged for me. This is me and my Grandpa and Grandma Gibson at my high school graduation. Just a few months after this picture, my Grandpa passed away after a long, grueling battle with cancer.

This blog post is all about my Grandpa Gibson, my memories of him and my love for him.

My earliest memories of spending time with Grandpa are all happy. When my parents were out in Illinois looking for a house for our family of five to move into, my sisters and I bounced around staying with assorted family and friends. I don't remember a lot about the places we stayed. The only one I really remember is spending the night at my Grandma and Grandpa Gibson's house. It was a school night and Grandpa got me up in the morning early enough to eat a good breakfast before driving me to school. I remember sitting at the island in the kitchen in the early morning light with a spread that covered the whole thing. There was toast, milk, juice, cold cereal, oatmeal, and I think pancakes. Those might not have been there haha. The funny thing about this is that I've never been a huge breakfast person. All I ate was the toast. But this experience stands out because, looking back, I see the huge effort my Grandpa made so that I would have what I needed.

I have a sort of collage of other memories from when I was young that accompany this in a way. My sisters and I got to spend a lot of time in the backyard with Grandpa when we would visit. He would watch us as we took turns jumping on the trampoline. Sometimes, he would carry us each piggy back from the trampoline to the tree house and back again. We would pretend that the grass was lava or something like that and, of course, he was immune. Sometimes while he was carrying us from tree house to trampoline he would go crazily out of the way (since the two were just a few feet apart).

Back in the day (haha), before the add on office upstairs was really finished, he would let us go up the stairs very, very carefully and see what progress he was making. It didn't make any sense what he would say about building things but it was just cool to be able to see it and be there since we weren't normally allowed there.

I also remember that Grandpa made the best wheat bread in the world. What was even better about his bread was that it became super duper fantastic toast. He was an awesome cook. He always cooked fresh vegetables from his garden for family dinners and they were always delicious. He also made awesome ice cream. He would put whatever fresh berries he had in the ice cream and (big shock haha) it was delicious. One type of ice cream that he also had that was consistently awesome was something we affectionately call mud. It's cookies and cream ice cream and it's the best. Some have tried to replicate it but no one can quite make it like he did.

As I grew up, my memories move inside. I would sit at the piano and play out of whatever book I could find there and he would just sit and listen to me play. When I would play primary songs, my sisters would sing along. At his funeral, the three of us sang A Child's Prayer. That was one primary song that I loved to play and I could sing with my sisters so we had parts. Singing at his funeral was one of the hardest things I've ever done. At the same time though, I wouldn't have it any other way.

My graduation was one of the last outings my Grandpa did. It's such a blessing to have the memory of having him at that first milestone to being a grown-up. I love my Grandpa so so much and miss him even more. I am grateful for the knowledge I have that I can see him again, that this isn't the end, and that goodbye is not forever.

Almost There!

The semester is winding down which means... Summer is just about here!!

I'm even more pumped for this summer than usual and I have no idea why. I'm going to be taking a class online and I'm going to be working and I have like a million and one things I want to do.

I think part of it might be the most excellent weather we have had these last few days. It makes me want to go to the beach SOOOOO bad... Like its probably unhealthy how bad I want to be there right now. But it's been really stellar the last few days. And good weather means everyone is in good moods.

Example of the entire population's lifted mood: We were sitting at a red light this afternoon with the windows down (duh!) and this guy on a moped type scooter with a girl riding on back started to chat with us. We only had time to cover where we were all from but Liver's from California and Moped Man was all like "Sacramento area?" and Liver's like "Yeah!" And so the entire mesh of us (Moped Man and girl in the back included) went away woo-ing.

Part of it might also be all the exciting things that make up the list of a million and one things I want to do. Like I have quite a few semi-obligations.

Obligation 1: I'm going to run the Tough Mudder with my dad and a group of people from his company. I'm nervous about that because I'm probably going to die a teeny bit that day. It's a twelve mile race with assorted obstacle courses. I haven't ever in my life done anything like this. My dad blames his signing up on a mid life crisis. Do people have early life crises circa 20 years old? That might explain me...

Obligation 2: I absolutely will be going back to visit SoCal this summer and that is so insanely exciting for me. I haven't seen my family and friends there in pretty much a year (I'm rounding up). It's going to be really awesome. It's kinda sucky because I know there's no way I could possibly do everything and see everyone that I want to while I'm there but I will certainly try my hardest!

Obligation 3: I am taking one class online (the second half of Book of Mormon) and I'm going to get a job. For some reason I don't even dread these things in the slightest. I'm really looking forward to my online class because I have been doing quite awesomely at reading my scriptures on my own time and it'll be nice to get some commentary in a semi-class setting on the things I've been studying on my own. I'm also really looking forward to working this summer. I'm really really REALLY hoping I can get an office type job like back in the day when I was working at WSR (for the record, I really loved that job). And I'll be able to actually save some of my money since I'll be living at home and won't have rent and groceries as expenses!

Obligation 4: I'm only sort of going to touch on this one because for some reason I don't like talking about it but I'm kind of excited about it at the same time and I want to share. There's this guy I've been writing while he was on his mission named.... Tarzan.. haha. He's pretty cool but here's the snag. We've never actually met. The plan all along has been to finally meet face to face at his homecoming. Well, that's this summer. In Boise. Which will be super fun. And nerve wracking at the same time. First impressions are so important. I'm hoping I'll actually be able to swing being there too because, as you'll have noticed, my obligations are kind of time sucks haha.

Oh I can NOT wait for summer!!! I just wish it was here already. So much really really super duper fantastically awesomely amazing things that should happen! Let's just hope I haven't set the bar too high, hm?

Liver!

This is my beautiful room roommate, Liver.

She's super awesome.

Example of awesomeness: She taught me to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the guitar this evening. Totally awesome.

I met Liver last semester and I have pretty much loved her ever since. It's pretty much impossible not to.

She's super super sweet but speaks her mind at the same time. She's a no nonsense kind of girl.

She has the biggest heart, too.

We talk entirely too much. It gets us into some sticky pickles, causing us to be up well past a decent bed time. It's nice because I can talk to her about anything. And we never stay on a super serious topic for very long because we end up laughing. Did I mention she's funny?

Anyways, she's super cool. And I've loved having her as my room roomie. I'll definitely miss sharing a room with her. Thanks, Liver, for being so totally awesome. You are truly incredible, my dear friend.

I can do better?

If there's one phrase that would sum up what I've been told through all the relatively short relationships I've been in, its "You could do so much better than me."

Well, let me tell you. I would be alright if no one ever said that to me ever ever EVER again.

It makes me want to puke.

Seriously.

I think I know better than anyone else what I want or deserve. Wouldn't you think so?

I am not without flaws. For some reason, it apparently comes off that I have a spotless past or that I've never made a mistake before. All you boys can NOT be that naive to think I have never made a mistake or never done something I've regretted later.

Part of this "better than me" attitude you boys seem to have is you all seem to think I care about the past. The reality is I couldn't care less about your past! The thing that matters most in relationships is the future, not the past. Sure, I'll listen if you want to tell me what all went down but it really isn't so big a deal. So chillax ok?!

Consider this a plea to those in the future of my apparently bland and broken love life.

Let me be the one to decide what I deserve.

Let me be the one to decide what is good enough for me.

Let me be the one to determine some of this stuff, huh?

Here's a clue if you're wondering if I can do better than you or not:

 If I'm with you, then you are what I want.

Simple as that.

I am very capable of making decisions for myself. I can't tell you if you are in fact "good enough" for me if you never give me the freaking chance. So give me the chance to make some decisions for myself before you jump on that "you can do better than me" band wagon.

(I apologize for all the red text. It's because I felt like I was seeing red.)

Good Bye Kristoffer

This is a photo of me and Kristoffer from our first year at BYUI. We got super duper close and became pretty much best friends. We were inseparable. We could carry two conversations at once. We finished each others sentences. We said things at the same time. She got me and I got her.

This time around it's a little different. Kristoffer is getting married. So now I spend a lot of my time alone (hence lonely picture). I hardly ever see her. I've gone days without seeing her this year and we still share an apartment. 

I'll admit, I am a little sad about this. But I'm so incredibly happy for her. She used to say she didn't think she would ever find anyone, that she would die an old maid. I knew all along that she would end up with someone totally perfect for her. And she is.

Juggular (his name's been changed. and he picked his alias) makes her super duper happy. He has replaced me from the days of our first year up here but that's ok. Now, they say things at the same time. Now, they're inseparable. She has finally found a guy worth her time that treats her as stellar as she deserves.

Juggular, I hope you know how spectacular of a future wife you've found. She's one of my best friends and she's always been there for me, someone I could count on. You're taking her away and so you better earn it. Keep up the good work and keep in mind that if you ever ever EVER make a 180 change and start screwing up, I will hunt you down. She deserves the world and I know you will do everything to give it to her.

I'll miss you, Kristoffer. I already do. But,  again, I am super happy for you and wouldn't have things any other way. I always knew you'd get what you deserve :)

Eliza and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

There's this children's picture book called Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day and it is the inspiration for my post today.

Yesterday, we had apartment clean checks. This is where every two weeks, Beaver (changed name, obviously) comes and tells us that we're slobs and need to clean up our act and with that our apartment. Beaver is especially critical of me and my roommates on clean checks and we have no idea why. Yesterday's particular clean check seemed to be fine. Then, Beaver failed me. I was supposed to clean "bathroom b" and I did. Apparently, my cleaning skills are sub par. Beaver came back to recheck me today (which cost five dollars) and FAILED ME AGAIN. Now I have to pay a whopping twenty bucks to have her clean the ALREADY CLEAN bathroom!!! Not good. (side note: I'm going to go talk to the apartment manager and hopefully get this resolved in a different way)

So that adds to my terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Today, I only had one class: Advanced Writing and Critical Thinking. It's one of the general requirements for my graduation year. Sometimes, I take my laptop with me and sit in the hall while NickerBocker is in her class after our class together (adv. writing). Today, I was feeling especially tired and just not good so I decided to come back to the apartment instead. It snowed last night. But just a little so there's that very unsafe dust on everything. I decided to cut through the parking lot thinking it would be easier. I'm walking through what appears to be a space with a giant puddle in the middle when WHAAAAAAAAMMMM.(I wrote it all spread out like that because it was like a slow-mo fall) I fall on the giant ice patch in the middle that is most assuredly NOT a puddle. All my clothes got muddy. My glasses fell off. My ipod fell out. I scraped my chin. I scraped my right wrist. I bruised the entire side of my left leg. I sprained my other wrist I think because now it hurts to move.

So that adds to my terrible horrible no good very bad day.

My class starts at 945 and so if I want to get anything done before class I really should get up at eight. I forgot to set my alarm last night so I barely even had time to brush my teeth this morning. We were almost late to class and I accidentally sat in the wrong seat and couldn't move because we were going to say the prayer. So I was in front of NickerBocker instead of to her right and she was fidgety and putting her knees in my backside. I didn't say anything which is my fault.

So that adds to my terrible horrible no good very bad day.

"I think I'll move to Australia." (quote from the book)