So I Guess This is Growing Up

Hey some good news! After years of struggle and I'm pretty sure five semesters of being a sophomore I'm finally a junior in college which means that I'm finally over half way. I am on the down hill slope of my college career FINALLY.

Here's the dealio though. With this, there's the reality of things as they really are which is not what I had hoped for when I graduated from high school nearly five years ago.

OK DON'T ANYONE GET MAD AT ME, I AM HAVING A LITTLE PITY PARTY FOR ONE. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others and all that jazz but sometimes I get the best of myself and I just gotta get it out so it doesn't consume me and my thoughts.

After being happy for the progress I've made, I stop and look around and I don't know how I feel about what I see. I am behind in many, many aspects of my life.

Looking at education, I should have graduated this last spring but I won't be graduating from college until next spring at the earliest. I have friends that will have finished graduate school about the time I am thinking about what to do next with my life.

In a more personal aspect, did you know that when I was a junior in high school? I thought that I would be married with at least one child by now? I am so definitely not a wife or a mother. I would still love to be though. I'm extremely hopeful that this is still going to happen in my life. However, this is one aspect that if I stop and look around I'm also pretty disappointed. If people aren't graduating from school and steps ahead of me there, they are steps ahead of me with marriage and family.

Then there's me, Miss Stuck-In-The-Middle. I am neither here nor there. I am not graduated from college but I'm not just starting. I am not married but I at least like to think I'm far from an old maid. I am not at the end of the tunnel and I'm too far now to turn around.

But see, here's the positive side. I know so much better now what I want in my life. I know better how to take care of myself and others. I know that I am completely satisfied with the field I'm going to be working in. I know that I have options ahead of me and I more than likely will not grow up to be an old dog lady. I'm surrounded by those that really care about me and the people in my life are there because I want them there. If I had married the first person I thought I loved, I don't know that I would be happy at all with my life. If I hadn't made the mistakes I did that have determined my later graduation date, I don't know that I would appreciate my education as much as I do.

I think that's what growing up really is. It's not a passing of time and just meeting certain milestones. It's getting dealt a bad hand and still finding a way to come out the winner. Because if we don't find the positive in all around us, we'll be stuck in a permanent pity party for one.

And no one likes a Debbie Downer.

I Believe

This is a story I don't tell much if at all. It's very personal to me and religious in nature. If that's a problem for you, just take this warning and stop now. I am not opening what I believe to debate or criticism. If that's your goal this is not the place for you. I will not tolerate that. Anyways! Let me begin.

I've been watching and reading different things all over the internet lately mostly relating to being a girl in a rather cruel world and typically they bring tears to my eyes for all different kinds of reasons. After like the third night in a row of watching and reading, I felt a need to share this story with the world.

I must preface with this. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In other words, I'm a Mormon. I've been raised in this church, both my parents are members. We've actively participated in this church for as long as I can remember. I believe in the Book of Mormon as another testament of Jesus Christ with the Bible being that first one. I know that Christ is my Savior and God is my father. I know that when I pray, my Heavenly Father hears me and listens. More importantly, I know that he answers my prayers. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that he cares. I know he is acutely aware of me and what I'm going through. I know when I feel like I have no where else to turn, I can always always always go to Him.

But I didn't always know this.

When I was eight years old, I was baptized as a person to be counted officially among the number members of the LDS Church. I was confirmed with the laying on of hands to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost which we believe allows us to have the Holy Ghost as a guide and resource through the perilous and troubling world as we grow. I always hear people tell these amazing, spiritual stories of when they were baptized. They felt immediately clean and this warmth rush over them. They felt the spirit so surely and so strongly. But all I remember about that day is how cold I felt.

That was in the second grade. Either during the third or fourth grade (I can't remember which) I was learning to ride a bike. Similar to swimming, this is something that just sort of got interrupted because we moved so I was learning but I was behind. I wasn't very good. I was constantly crashing into mail boxes and parked cars. Then, one fateful Saturday, I was getting ready to go out and practice riding with assistance from my Dad. I put on a set of sweats because it was a little chilly and put my hair in a low pony tail to keep it out of my face. Then, I remembered learning something at church.

We had talked about how God will answer our prayers. We read a story in the Book of Mormon about these 2000 Stripling Warriors. They were righteous young men that took up weapons of war so that their parents wouldn't have to break a covenant that they wouldn't. Before battle, they prayed that the Lord would protect them. Previously I had been told that we can apply what's in the scriptures to our own lives and how God is the same now as he was then.

Well, I decided that since this was the case I would make it work for me. Obviously, I hated falling off my bike. I felt like a loser because I couldn't ride a bike yet and every time I fell it just made it worse. Before I went out in the front to try riding my bike, I read my scriptures in that same place where the story was. Then, I prayed. I prayed that God would protect me like he had the Stripling Warriors. I prayed that He would keep me from falling. I prayed that I wouldn't get hurt. At the close of this prayer, I felt confident that things were going to go really well that day.

I crashed that day harder than I ever had previously or ever would again. My dad was pushing my bike up the hill we lived on and let go when it seemed like I was doing well. I quickly lost complete control of the bike and was swerving all over the place. I slammed into the asphalt and slid up the hill on my face. I walked away from the scene with a huge fat lip, two black eyes, road rash down the side of my face and on my arms, and now looking back we think I might have broken my nose a little bit.

I don't remember how much my lip hurt or the bruises or scrapes except for the sting when we had to clean them. But I remember how terrible I felt inside. I didn't understand. I thought I must have done something wrong because in my mind God obviously didn't protect me. He didn't answer my prayer. He could have kept me from grinding my face in the ground but he didn't. And I couldn't fathom how that was possible. At the ripe age of nine or ten, I had a faith testing experience and it broke me.

I struggled to pray on my own and believe anyone was listening. I struggled to read the scriptures at anything more than face value. I no longer believed that God was listening to me or that he cared. I didn't think that he was looking out for me. In my mind, he obviously had much better things to be doing than watch over pathetic little me.

Even now, as I think about that time in my life, I get choked up. No one knew what I was feeling because I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell my parents, I didn't tell any of my bishops, I didn't tell my best friends, I didn't even write it down in a journal. But I remember it crystal clear and it stings like cleaning that fat lip.

Years down the road, I was fifteen years old and my father was out of work. He had briefly been employed at a company in Chicago but it didn't work out and so we were back on the job hunt. There was a job he was interviewing for in California and as a family we were supposed to pray that he would get the job. When we would pray together before bed each night and it was my turn, I would do as I was supposed to and pray that he would get the job but I never meant it. Honestly, I didn't want to move. I barely remember when we lived in California before and my whole life was in Illinois. I felt like if we moved to California my life would be over.

One night, I decided to give it a shot one more time. I prayed on my own before laying down to sleep and, after hesitating for an inner battle that felt like it lasted forever, I prayed that he would get the job in California. And I meant it this time. I felt like this one prayer wouldn't make a difference. There was as much chance of him getting the job now that I had prayed with feeling as there had been before.

The next day, my mom gets a call from my dad and they're talking. He got the job in California. To be completely honest, I was heartbroken because I didn't want to move. I know this sounds mildly silly but I felt like I was responsible for my dad getting the job. I felt like (I still feel like) he got the job because it's what I had prayed for. Only after I had calmed down about moving was I able to realize what that meant.

God was (IS) listening. God was (IS) watching out for me. God did (DOES) care about me. I matter and someone out there besides me really truly believed (BELIEVES) that. Everything I remember about prayers being answered for me comes after that. It wasn't over night but slowly all that I believed as what can be deemed a naive eight year old came back. I could again pray to God and believe that He would hear me and answer me. It was still a good bit of time before I knew that I was a daughter of God and that he loves me but I was back on that track.

I don't know why I fell that day. I know that if anyone could have prevented it, Heavenly Father could have. But he didn't. I don't know what the purpose is or was. I know for things to go contrary to what we've prayed for, it means God has different plans. I don't know the meaning for any of the pieces of what I went through.

I do know that I've come out the other side of what was a very difficult and spiritually dark time in my life. As I stated earlier, I know who I am and more importantly whose I am better than I ever have before. And I know that this is what matters most. The other stuff I've gone through, all the crap, it makes up my story and is a part of who I am. But at the same time it does not define me. It does not stop me. It will not hold me back anymore than it already has.

Dear Broseph

Dear Broseph
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! It's so crazy that it's only been about a year that you've been in our lives. You really are like the little brother I never had and I think you're an awesome dude.

A year ago today, Grace and I barely knew you and got you a caramel apple for your birthday because cake seemed weird. Little did we know that you would end up liking it better than if we had gotten you cake! In the relatively little amount of time that has passed since then you've become a pretty integral part of our family.

See that picture up there Broseph? See where you are? Smack in the middle. You probably didn't realize what you were signing up for by coming around but you're definitely stuck with us now. You can always count on us to be like your home away from home. We consider you a part of our family and you should never question that.

Broseph, as your honorary big sister, I want you to know that you can always talk to me about stuff. I will always do my best to give you the advice and friend that you need.

We love you Broseph and we're way glad that you're around. It's been a blast with you joining us and I think it can only get better from here.

I hope that you're nineteenth year was better than you thought it would be and that, now that you're way out of your teens, adulthood will be even better. You already know that being a grown up super sucks but it's not so bad as long as you've got one heck of a support team and you have that in us.

You're great and I hope your day is great too!

Always,
Eliza

I Have the Best Parents

This lovely couple right here are my parents. This post is for them. Because today is their wedding anniversary! 24 years of marital bliss!

Dear Mom and Dad,
Today marks 24 years since you two were sealed for time and all eternity in the Los Angeles temple. I am so grateful for all that you two have done for me and my sisters. You're seriously the best parents a girl could ask for and I am so blessed to have you as mine.

You two have been through a lot over the years be it illness, unemployment, relocation, anything! The thing that's most honorable is that whenever there's a problem, you guys go at it together. I've seen arguments and disagreements but you always manage to come together.

I can honestly say that I know what a loving relationship can be because of the love I've been so blessed to witness between you two. Sure, me and my sisters squeal and freak out with the overt affection in the kitchen. But you guys are so obviously still in love after all this time. You have fun together. You genuinely enjoy the company of one another.

Not only are you two a wonderful example of what I want when I get married one day (hopefully :P ) you are also terrific parents. Through all the life experiences and tumult you've been through in your 24 years, roughly 22 of them have been with a child tagging along. And you two have handled it pretty dang well I think. You had us quick and fast by some standards but you have always been parents. You have perfected being a Mama and a Daddy-- anyone can be a mother and father.

As you both know, I've been trying to train a chick the last week or so. My teacher told us today that this experience can be very insightful for parenting. I've always respected what you've accomplished with my sisters and me but now I have an even better insight. Instead of getting frustrated at the first hiccup, you've stuck with us. We make a TON of mistakes and you could very easily give up on us (especially since legally we're all adults now) but you stick with us. You take care of us. You don't just throw in the towel because it gets frustrating or because we seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. For reals, the effort you two put in on a daily basis is incredible.

So I want to thank you two for showing me what marriage can and should be as well as what I as a parent can work towards. I love you both so very very much and I wouldn't be half the person I am today without you two in my life. You are a stalwart example in my life.

Here's to a happy 24 years and eternity to go!

I love you,
Your Oldest Child

Dear Daddy

(In case you aren't familiar enough with the way the title of this is formatted by this point, it's a birthday today! My father's, most specifically. So this blog post is for him.)

Dear Daddy,

Happy Birthday!!! I hope that so far your day is wonderful and only continues to be so. You are the only lucky duck who's birthday I'm usually home for- including my own! So your birthday blog post will be different than the others because I get to grace you with my presence as you read it. Mwahahaha!

Anyways, I'm super excited for you although you seem to carry the attitude of "it's just another birthday, nothing special." I'll tell you why it's special! Because today is the one day out of all the others that we get to celebrate you specifically. Sure, Father's day is around the corner but let's be honest. There's like a million other people that share that day with you. Your birthday is special because you are our focus. There may be other people who were born this day throughout the years but I wouldn't know any of them if it weren't for you!

I will always appreciate the things you've done for me and my sisters and Mom for as long as I live. I don't think there is anyone that would be better suited for us than you. You give us the world because we are your world. I know that I will never be able to repay you for all that you do for me, all that you continue to do, and all the sacrifices you will and have made.

One of my fondest memories with you is from going to see the second Harry Potter movie. You and I both know that going to see the Harry Potter movies was always our thing. I know other people came along, namely my sisters, a time or two but I always considered this my special Daddy time. Well, the second movie I remember actually going to see a little better than the others. At least for the in the theater part. 

**SPOILER ALERT: for anyone who for some reason is reading this and hasn't read or seen the second Harry Potter, if you don't wanna know some of what happens, stop now. Otherwise, as you were.

The second Harry Potter movie was different because I remember getting scared. I don't know how old I was (I can't ever remember those details) but this was the first time I remember ever getting scared in the theater. It was when the big old snake (basilisk, I know) was chasing Harry and he had stabbed out the eye so he was hiding and the snake was slithering all over the place listening for him to move and got right up in his grill. That part super freaked me out. I don't know if you remember this but I hid behind your arm. I love this memory because even though I was super scared, you were there to protect me. And you always have been.

I know all to well that all our lives will slowly end and you won't always be physically present to take care of me and hold me up when I fall, but I know even when you can't be right there, you really will always be right there. I can always always ALWAYS count on you.

Daddy, I love you and I'm so grateful for all that you do. I know that I don't vocalize it near enough and for that I am sorry. You are my hero and I only hope that one day I find the man of my dreams that lives up to the standard you've laid before me of what a husband and father should be.

You're the best dad a girl could ever ask for!

Love Always,

Eliza Jean

"Oh I've got the best and the worst of her in me, I'd share her if I could"

Today is Mother's Day!! A day to celebrate mothers and all the million things they do for us. Let's be honest, we literally would not be here without them. I've tried to focus on all the many mothers in my life in the past but today I want to specially focus on my very own gem of a mother. She is so much to me and this post is all about that.

(we've been going through pictures lately so there's a whole bunch for your appreciation :D )

The above picture is at the very beginning of my mom being a mom. That's me under all those stripes! Anyways, this isn't about me. My mom is my world. She brought me into this one. And while there are others that have affected who I am today and what I'm all about, I wouldn't be half the person I am without her. She's strong and because of that I am stronger than I otherwise would be.

This is just after I nearly killed my mother! That's what I did to thank her for the gift of life. Some thanks right? Well that's just it. My mother is resilient. Giving birth to the big, fat cow baby that I was is just the tip of the iceberg. She's been through a million and one different things be they medical, financial, spiritual, mental, physical... Yeah. She walks with the world on her shoulders, even when she doesn't have to and when it just about crushes her. She always walks on with that weight like it's no big.

DISNEY LAND!!! I love me some Disney and it's probably partially at least because of my mother. My mother instilled a wonderful sense of what's right and what's fantastic and what's beautiful and what's worth appreciating in this world (like Disney!). We learn by example, they say. I can think of no better example to learn from than that of my mother. My wonderful, fantastic, beautiful mother that is worth appreciating and usually if not always right.

This is a picture of my two younger sisters and I with our mother in my great-grandmother's backyard. (Take a couple seconds to digest the placement of that whole sentence... yeah sorry... haha.) My mother is a mommy. She stayed home and took care of my sisters and I. She kissed booboos and washed scrapes. She is the best at holding back your hair while you puke. And no one (I really mean NO ONE) can do a french braid as tight as her. That braid would stay in there until your hair fell out from old age if she wished it. She was and is a mommy. And she's awesome at it.

This picture is me and my mom inside the scariest Ferris wheel type thing I have ever had the misfortune to be upon. You can't see it in this picture but we are bracing ourselves against the swing of the basket and hoping we make it back to ground safely. My mom is a protector. You know how people say that every mother has that Mama Bear instinct lying dormant within them and you better not mess with her cubs? Well that's my mom. I know she's in my corner. She's got my back. I can count on her to be there and help me fight my battles. She will take on anyone that hurts me or my sisters and I fear for the transgressor's life and safety.

See those braces? Yikes! My mom is the one who took me to the orthodontist appointments and doctors appointments. Yes, she's a chauffeur when called upon but she's more than that. My mom is someone I can count on. I already mentioned that I know I'll always have my mom in my corner. This is kind of an extension of that. She always tells the three of us that home is our soft place to and that won't ever change. Even when we go away to school or go get married or anything like that, Mom's arms will forever be outstretched and ready to catch us if/when we fall.

(the braces are off!!) This picture is from a church activity. That was our car that we designed and "raced." Ours was the best, of course. Even though I have no memory of how the race thing itself actually went. My mom is a friend to me. She knows how to be a parent of course and I know where that line is between parent and friend but as I grow older, our conversations grow more conversational and less lecture (although there are those too every so often..) 

This is a picture from a family photo shoot and probably one of my favorite more recent pictures of the two of us. Don't we look nice? My mom is happy. Sometimes, this is harder than others. But that goes for everyone. I already told you she carries the world on her shoulders but did I mention that she does so with a smile on her face? She taught me how to smile even when I don't feel like it. I remember her saying sometimes the best way to get happy is to fake it until you make it. We've been through a lot as a family and she's helped us all to soldier on and smile as we go. She's helped us to find those things to laugh at in times where it seems there's nothing but darkness surrounding. She is a beacon with her ever shining smile.

I know, you're thinking "Hey! You couldn't find any more recent pictures of you and your mother? This is like two years old!" I know, I know. We'll work on getting some pictures while I'm home from school this summer. But until then this picture will suffice for my purposes. My mom is my mom and that's the best thing she could ever be. She takes care of me. She holds me when I'm sad or sick. She lifts me up when I've fallen. She is my soft place to land. She knows me like no one else. I can always count on her. She is strong. She is brave. She is resilient. She is beautiful. She is my mom. And for that, I love her.

I think I get it now...

I'm not going to lie and say that I've been in numerous relationships. That would be a terrible lie, I've been in barely any. But I like to think I've been in enough because I've realized I don't know how to give someone less than my all. That's why it always hurts so much when it's over.

So yeah, I haven't been in a lot of relationships but I know without a doubt what it's like to have my heart broken. I know the feeling of my heart being torn from me and trampled. I know how it feels when those butterflies in your stomach slowly die and turn to bricks. I know that a broken heart means a physical pain for which there is no medication or remedy besides time.

I also think I'm ready to be done having my heart broken. I wrote about putting up walls to prevent falling but I don't think it's possible for me to do this. Sure, I am a little jaded and my opinion of boys overall is severely effected by my experiences. But once a guy gets to me, he really gets to me. It seems I have the optimism and trust of a twitterpated two year old and I just can't shake it.

But I think I get it now. I think I have learned the lesson that comes from being broken. I know this by no means guarantees me a free ride from here on out with no heartbreaks. I think that would be impossible. But my hope is that this means there's fewer of them ahead of me than there are behind me.

With each fall and crash, I am able to put the pieces back together at a quicker pace. My recovery time is hastened and I more quickly gain eyes to see things as they really were. I am bouncing back faster every time and am remembering those things that get me through quicker. I know that I cannot wallow for it only makes it worse. I know I cannot expect things to change for the ideal because they never do. All I can do is work to move forward and learn and this I know greatly.

I cannot deny that I also know I, more than anything, want that next part. I want love. I want marriage. I want a family. I don't mean this to scare off potential suitors, I simply mean to be honest. If I try to deny that these are my most prominent and pressing goals, I think it will only increase the heartaches I'll face.

From now on, I will try to search for a man and not a boy. I will search for the one that is ready for me. I will not be slowed down with flattery and sweet smiles any longer. I will try to add the gentle skepticism of an older and wiser me to my sweet disposition. I know I will falter in my quest but I think it will be easier to go forward if I can remember the past. A wise monkey said we can either run from the past or learn from it. I like to think that I'll be able to do both. I do not want to carry around my old relationships but I cannot allow myself to forget because they are important to know what I look for from here.

And now, I press forward. I move on. I don't forget what I've learned but I cannot let it hold me back.

Another Birthday!

(Today's post is for my future brother-in-law. I figure he's basically family at this point so I should probably do something for him haha. Happy birthday Zach!)

Dear Mr. Zachariah Bubar,

Happy Birthday!! We haven't really known each other for any astronomical amount of time but you've quickly become an important factor in my life and that of my family and I feel safe speaking for the group when I say we think you're awesome, dude.

I like to think I can take partial credit in the origins of your soon to be eternal relationship with my sister. You two sort of ended up tossed together but I think it's worked out better than anyone could have predicted. You're great to her, she loves you. And that is what matters more than anything else that happens. You better take good care of her or there is a mob that will hunt you down, good sir! I know it can seem at times that you and I have clashing personalities but it all can be pushed aside as we see what we have in common that binds us together and that is a love for my sister. She's one of the best sisters a girl could ever ask for.

This is the first of many birthdays where you're going to be stuck with a whole new group of people to deal with. As I'm sure you've noticed, we like birthdays at our house. I've always considered birthdays to be each person's individual holiday so I hope today if you manage to see my family that you get everything you deserve. Cake, the birthday banner, the whole shebang!

I'm really glad my sister has ended up with you Mr. Zach. You really do have her best interest at heart and it's obvious to anyone with eyes and half a brain that you're mad about her. And what's more, she returns your crazy love. I'm so incredibly happy for the two of you and I'm anxious for what your future together holds.

I hope that as we continue forward as family and face only more birthdays together that we can grow closer. You, sir, have a responsibility that I can't say if you have realized yet. We're a family of all but one females and that means there's some weight that falls on you. You're not just a (future) husband to my sister. You are now my brother and I hope that our relationship will continue to grow and reflect this.

You're a super great dude Zach and I hope you have a fantastic birthday. You deserve nothing less!!

Love Always,
Your Future Sister in Law

Dear Mom

(The time has come once again where it's someone's birthday and my blog post is written directly to them. As always, you can read it if you want to still. Just a heads up. Plus, this isn't just any someone. It's my mommy!)

Dear Mom,
It's your birthday!! I haven't been able to be with you on your birthday for two years now but I always try to do something for you all the same. And I promise I will bring a BYU-I tervis ish style cup home for you, as usual.

Mom, I know I haven't always been the best daughter I could be but you always put up with me. I know for the majority of my 21 years of life you technically had to put up with me but at the same time, I know it's not out of obligation that you keep me. I know you love me.

You are one of the strongest people I know. You have always helped to carry our family through rough times and managed to keep your head held high in the stickiest of situations. You were there for me growing up and I know that I can always count on you to be there for me now in my grown up life. I know if I had a real emergency that I can count on you to do all you could to help me. A lot of girls I know dread turning into their mothers. I think I would be lucky to turn out like you because then I know that everything would always work out.

While I've been in relatively few romantic relationships, every time something hasn't worked out you've been the one to help me feel better. When all feels as if it's falling apart, you are the one that picks up my pieces and hands me a bottle of glue. You don't coddle us but you take care of us and that makes you the best mom I could ever ask for.

I know I don't always show it and I don't always call like I should. I know that I could do a lot better at how to be a good daughter when you're away at school. But I do love you and I do care. I listen to all that you say even when it doesn't seem like it or you have to tell me a couple times for me to remember. You're my hero, Mom. And I couldn't ask for a better one. You're amazing and I hope that you always remember that, even when I'm being a stinker about calling or something.

I love you so so much!!

Love Always, Eliza Jean

Jaded

I gotta tell you. I know that dating is for learning and you gotta kiss a few frogs to find a prince. But man! I am pretty tired of this game.

This is my public announcement that I've decided to build the walls up. I'm done with jumping in with both feet. I'm done with getting run over and trampled. So I'm going to protect myself.

I can't afford to be so emotionally crushed every time it doesn't work. I don't have the time to devote to putting myself back together after the storm and turmoil.

So it's going to take someone really amazing to break me down again. I didn't realize how on the verge I was  but I am past the point of break. This was the last straw and I just don't want to do this anymore.

I am open to finding love and happiness and all of those things we strive for, don't get me wrong. I'm just putting on some armor, placing my heart in a steel cage, and pouring concrete around that cage.

So come and get me, Prince Charming. I'm ready and waiting.

Dear Baby Sister...

(Once again, it's birthday time. All can read this post if they so choose but it is a letter to my Baby Sis)

Happy Birthday Baby Sis!! Today, you turn eighteen years old. You are officially a grown up. You can legally vote. You can join the army. You can move out on your own and leave us all in the dust. Anything is possible, Baby Sis.

You've hit a lot of rough patches along the way to get to where you are today but those rough patches have made you twice as beautiful as you were before. You are only more amazing and only stronger for the things you've been through.

Right now, you're a senior in high school and some days it can feel like you're on top of the world. Well I just want you to remember to be careful Baby Sis. It's easier the higher up you feel to come crashing down. Don't get ahead of yourself and remember where you're coming from. But at the same time, don't be afraid to run full speed ahead!

Baby Sis, you're amazing. You are fearless and take no flack for who you are. I admire you for having the guts to do all that you do. You're braver than you know. In the two short-ish years you've been at high school in Colorado, you have turned us on our heads. You run yourself ragged but still go on with a smile.

I know that you and I aren't always as close as we could be but I want you to always remember that I love you with all of my heart. If you ever doubt it, just know that you are straight up wrong. You're an unstoppable force and I will always be there for you if you start to crash. I'll always have your back. I am forever on your side when you're backed against a wall.

At this most pivotal time in your life, there's a quote that's used a lot but I think is so crucial you take to heart (you've probably heard it).  In the last stanza of the poem, The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost, it says: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. 

What I want you to take from this is that you don't ever have to follow what is popular or what everyone thinks you should do. You must discern for yourself the best road for you. We all love you so much and only want the best for you but that doesn't mean we're always right. You must look in yourself and use that big, beautiful brain you've got in your head to decide what you must do.

The paths are diverging, Baby Sis. The time to decide how you will live and who you will be is now, but fear not! Like I said and I'll continue to say, I'll always be right beside you. It's a big scary world out there but you need not face it alone. We're in this together, through the end, forever and always.

Baby Sis, I love you more than words and I hope that you have the best 18th birthday in the history of forever! If there's anyone deserving, its you! I hope all your birthday wishes come true and that you always stay true to the amazing girl that you are and the amazing woman you're becoming every day.

Love Always and Forever, Your Biggest Sis

Dear Fool

(This is my little sister Grace. Today she turns nineteen years old. This post is entirely directed at her in the form of a letter. You can read it if you want but it's for her)

Dear Fool,

Today is your nineteenth birthday! YOU'RE SO OLD! Just kidding, if that made you old, I'd be ancient and we know that's just not true.

Anyways, I can't be with you today on your birthday because I'm away at school. But I figured I can still tell you some awesome stuff. Last time I was at school on your birthday, I gave you a journal and secretly stuck a letter in it for you to find without any parental units reading it first. I apologize in advance if I repeat myself but, as previously mentioned, I'm a few years older than you and therefore feeble and forgetful.

You're life is going places! You're so amazing and I think half the time you don't even see it. Yeah, you know as well as anyone that you can be a little conceited at times but it's GOOD to love yourself. It's GOOD to take pride in your appearance. It's GOOD to care a little about the image you give off. I hope that you are as happy with yourself as you try to put off the appearance of. You are a gorgeous girl and I hope that you really do see it.

In this last year, you started dating Zack. To that, I say you're welcome! haha. I know you were nervous starting out with this relationship but you guys have come so incredibly far. Zack is an amazing guy and I know that he treats you like the princess you are. He sees, just as I do, how amazing and gorgeous and all around cool you are. He's a keeper, little sister. 

One thing that I want you to know for sure is that I love you. I think you have an incredible amount of potential. You are a spit fire! I feel bad for the poor soul that tries to stand in the way of what you want or your dreams because you can take them down. I read something for my Book of Mormon class that reminds me of you. You probably know the scripture because it's quoted a lot and I think it might be a scripture mastery. It's in Alma (which I think is your favorite book in the Book of Mormon?) and the reference is 37:6-7. It talks about small and simple things. Well, my dear sister, you are a small and simple thing and you can do so many great things! You have the power to do absolutely anything at all and I hope that you realize it.

You're the best! And I hope all your birthday wishes come true. You deserve it, babe.

Love Always and Forever, N00b

From the Kindness of Strangers

I have finally made it back to Rexburg to continue my college education. And it is truly a blessing that I made it here.

This is the first time that I have driven myself to school without the assistance of either parent. And, boy, was I nervous! We finished getting my car up and running for the trip on Thursday, the day before I left. I also learned that day (a little late to do anything) that my car radio has some sort of security code that I didn't know about so my radio doesn't work. On top of which, I really need to get my brakes changed soon. Those were the least of my worries, though. All I cared about was that my car was up and running and I would be able to get to school.

Friday morning, I put my last couple suitcases in the car. My dad gave me a print out of the directions I needed in case Trixie Trixie (my gps) didn't follow the route I intended to take or didn't have a signal to direct me. My mom left for work when I left at nine to begin my excursion. I stopped by my former place of employment to pick up my last paycheck, dropped it in the bank, and was on my way.

It took a little bit to get used to driving Nemo again. He's pretty low to the ground and is pretty small so that was a change from driving either a mini truck or an SUV. After a little bit though, it seemed Nemo and I would get along our way just swimmingly.

I stopped first in Cheyenne, following my father's instructions to top off the tank even though I really didn't need gas yet. After a little stretching, I was back on my way and didn't plan to stop until Rock Springs. I was just starting to consider stopping in Rawlins for a quick bathroom break when all of a sudden,  Nemo starts to rock and swerve all over and I lose speed. I was really nervous because I knew I'd had so much trouble just getting my car up and running again. I pulled over to the side of the road to see if maybe it was just the road or, if my tire was indeed flat, if I could roll slowly the rest of the way to Rawlins. Well, neither of those were correct or possible.

I had a blowout. Strangely, it's the same wheel that I had a blowout on my first time riding to Rexburg back in 2009. I was looking at the tire and starting to panic. I hit full blown panic when, in attempting to contact one of my parents, I learned that I had absolutely no cell phone service where I was. Rawlins was still about 20 minutes away by car and I knew that if I had to walk out there to get help, I would never make it to Rexburg that night. I started to pray, or tried to. The panic had really set in so I really just ended up saying please really fast over and over again. Right as I was on the brink of tears and throwing up simultaneously, I saw a semi truck pull to the side of the road a little ways in front of me and put his hazards on. He hopped out of his car and started towards me.

I was so scared when I saw the driver because I started to assume the worst. Being in my panic-stricken state I don't know that I could manage much positive thinking anyways. As he got closer though, he started to talk to me. He asked me what the problem was and took a look at my tire. Then, he started back towards his truck to try to call someone to come help me out. He told me to get back in my car to stay warm. He also said something that really struck me and for some reason I knew things would be ok. He said "I promise you won't get hurt." Seems like a little bit of an odd thing to say because personal harm isn't normally a concern when you have car trouble but it was incredibly comforting. He called the state trooper and walked back to my car. He even gave me a Dr Pepper from his truck. He stayed there until the state trooper arrived and was on his way. My only regret in all of this is that I didn't get the truck driver's name. I would very much like to thank him for the kindness he showed me.

The state trooper was just as nice as the truck driver. His name is Lieutenant Flynn. (I'm hoping I'll somehow be able to find his address and send him a thank you letter.) He took a look at the tire then had me come back to his patrol car with him. He sat me in the front seat and let me use his phone to try to call my mom. While I did that, he ran my license and the California plate I had on my car, mentioning to the dispatch woman that I had a temporary in the window. I was still really nervous and was still pretty panicky. My mom didn't answer when I first called which I expected since it was a number she wouldn't recognize. Lieutenant Flynn put his phone in his pocket just in case she called so that we wouldn't miss it.

I couldn't remember if my spare was still in the trunk or not which is probably where part of my panic came from. Lieutenant Flynn helped me unload the things I had in my trunk so that we could check for my spare. I felt like I could finally breath when it was indeed there. Then, Lieutenant Flynn changed my tire for me. I don't know if he's required to do that sort of thing or not but it was really nice of him. It was cold and snowy so he got dirty kneeling in the dirt on the side of the road to change it for me. He was super quick, too. After I got everything back into my trunk, he sent me on my way to Rawlins, instructing me to drive slow with my hazards on so as to not have any issues with my very well used spare.

When I got to Rawlins, I pulled into the first gas station I saw that looked safe. I asked the girl at the counter where I could go in Rawlins to get a tire done and she directed me to Kilburn Tire just down the road. I pulled into the tire shop and, once inside, was greeted probably four or five times by different employees to make sure someone was taking care of me. A young man changed my tire for me in about twenty minutes or so. While I waited, I was able to charge my phone and was also able to use their phone to call my parents and update them on my situation. The people at Kilburn were all so nice to me. They also had this older big black dog roaming around the waiting room that sat by me and kept me company while I waited. After the young man finished with my tire I was able to get back on the road and it was all smooth sailing from there with only minor scrapes with weather as I got nearer to the Teton pass.

I'm so incredibly grateful for the kindness that the people I met showed me. They didn't have to do what they did and didn't have to be so nice about it either. I know that they were all an answer to my attempted pleading prayer. As I was on the road again, I said a thank you prayer for all the help and kindness I received. I know that my Heavenly Father watches over me and keeps track of me. He is acutely aware of the things I go through and I know this more now than ever before. And I feel his love for me and see his hand in my life every day.