I think I get it now...

I'm not going to lie and say that I've been in numerous relationships. That would be a terrible lie, I've been in barely any. But I like to think I've been in enough because I've realized I don't know how to give someone less than my all. That's why it always hurts so much when it's over.

So yeah, I haven't been in a lot of relationships but I know without a doubt what it's like to have my heart broken. I know the feeling of my heart being torn from me and trampled. I know how it feels when those butterflies in your stomach slowly die and turn to bricks. I know that a broken heart means a physical pain for which there is no medication or remedy besides time.

I also think I'm ready to be done having my heart broken. I wrote about putting up walls to prevent falling but I don't think it's possible for me to do this. Sure, I am a little jaded and my opinion of boys overall is severely effected by my experiences. But once a guy gets to me, he really gets to me. It seems I have the optimism and trust of a twitterpated two year old and I just can't shake it.

But I think I get it now. I think I have learned the lesson that comes from being broken. I know this by no means guarantees me a free ride from here on out with no heartbreaks. I think that would be impossible. But my hope is that this means there's fewer of them ahead of me than there are behind me.

With each fall and crash, I am able to put the pieces back together at a quicker pace. My recovery time is hastened and I more quickly gain eyes to see things as they really were. I am bouncing back faster every time and am remembering those things that get me through quicker. I know that I cannot wallow for it only makes it worse. I know I cannot expect things to change for the ideal because they never do. All I can do is work to move forward and learn and this I know greatly.

I cannot deny that I also know I, more than anything, want that next part. I want love. I want marriage. I want a family. I don't mean this to scare off potential suitors, I simply mean to be honest. If I try to deny that these are my most prominent and pressing goals, I think it will only increase the heartaches I'll face.

From now on, I will try to search for a man and not a boy. I will search for the one that is ready for me. I will not be slowed down with flattery and sweet smiles any longer. I will try to add the gentle skepticism of an older and wiser me to my sweet disposition. I know I will falter in my quest but I think it will be easier to go forward if I can remember the past. A wise monkey said we can either run from the past or learn from it. I like to think that I'll be able to do both. I do not want to carry around my old relationships but I cannot allow myself to forget because they are important to know what I look for from here.

And now, I press forward. I move on. I don't forget what I've learned but I cannot let it hold me back.

Another Birthday!

(Today's post is for my future brother-in-law. I figure he's basically family at this point so I should probably do something for him haha. Happy birthday Zach!)

Dear Mr. Zachariah Bubar,

Happy Birthday!! We haven't really known each other for any astronomical amount of time but you've quickly become an important factor in my life and that of my family and I feel safe speaking for the group when I say we think you're awesome, dude.

I like to think I can take partial credit in the origins of your soon to be eternal relationship with my sister. You two sort of ended up tossed together but I think it's worked out better than anyone could have predicted. You're great to her, she loves you. And that is what matters more than anything else that happens. You better take good care of her or there is a mob that will hunt you down, good sir! I know it can seem at times that you and I have clashing personalities but it all can be pushed aside as we see what we have in common that binds us together and that is a love for my sister. She's one of the best sisters a girl could ever ask for.

This is the first of many birthdays where you're going to be stuck with a whole new group of people to deal with. As I'm sure you've noticed, we like birthdays at our house. I've always considered birthdays to be each person's individual holiday so I hope today if you manage to see my family that you get everything you deserve. Cake, the birthday banner, the whole shebang!

I'm really glad my sister has ended up with you Mr. Zach. You really do have her best interest at heart and it's obvious to anyone with eyes and half a brain that you're mad about her. And what's more, she returns your crazy love. I'm so incredibly happy for the two of you and I'm anxious for what your future together holds.

I hope that as we continue forward as family and face only more birthdays together that we can grow closer. You, sir, have a responsibility that I can't say if you have realized yet. We're a family of all but one females and that means there's some weight that falls on you. You're not just a (future) husband to my sister. You are now my brother and I hope that our relationship will continue to grow and reflect this.

You're a super great dude Zach and I hope you have a fantastic birthday. You deserve nothing less!!

Love Always,
Your Future Sister in Law

Dear Mom

(The time has come once again where it's someone's birthday and my blog post is written directly to them. As always, you can read it if you want to still. Just a heads up. Plus, this isn't just any someone. It's my mommy!)

Dear Mom,
It's your birthday!! I haven't been able to be with you on your birthday for two years now but I always try to do something for you all the same. And I promise I will bring a BYU-I tervis ish style cup home for you, as usual.

Mom, I know I haven't always been the best daughter I could be but you always put up with me. I know for the majority of my 21 years of life you technically had to put up with me but at the same time, I know it's not out of obligation that you keep me. I know you love me.

You are one of the strongest people I know. You have always helped to carry our family through rough times and managed to keep your head held high in the stickiest of situations. You were there for me growing up and I know that I can always count on you to be there for me now in my grown up life. I know if I had a real emergency that I can count on you to do all you could to help me. A lot of girls I know dread turning into their mothers. I think I would be lucky to turn out like you because then I know that everything would always work out.

While I've been in relatively few romantic relationships, every time something hasn't worked out you've been the one to help me feel better. When all feels as if it's falling apart, you are the one that picks up my pieces and hands me a bottle of glue. You don't coddle us but you take care of us and that makes you the best mom I could ever ask for.

I know I don't always show it and I don't always call like I should. I know that I could do a lot better at how to be a good daughter when you're away at school. But I do love you and I do care. I listen to all that you say even when it doesn't seem like it or you have to tell me a couple times for me to remember. You're my hero, Mom. And I couldn't ask for a better one. You're amazing and I hope that you always remember that, even when I'm being a stinker about calling or something.

I love you so so much!!

Love Always, Eliza Jean