I think I get it now...

I'm not going to lie and say that I've been in numerous relationships. That would be a terrible lie, I've been in barely any. But I like to think I've been in enough because I've realized I don't know how to give someone less than my all. That's why it always hurts so much when it's over.

So yeah, I haven't been in a lot of relationships but I know without a doubt what it's like to have my heart broken. I know the feeling of my heart being torn from me and trampled. I know how it feels when those butterflies in your stomach slowly die and turn to bricks. I know that a broken heart means a physical pain for which there is no medication or remedy besides time.

I also think I'm ready to be done having my heart broken. I wrote about putting up walls to prevent falling but I don't think it's possible for me to do this. Sure, I am a little jaded and my opinion of boys overall is severely effected by my experiences. But once a guy gets to me, he really gets to me. It seems I have the optimism and trust of a twitterpated two year old and I just can't shake it.

But I think I get it now. I think I have learned the lesson that comes from being broken. I know this by no means guarantees me a free ride from here on out with no heartbreaks. I think that would be impossible. But my hope is that this means there's fewer of them ahead of me than there are behind me.

With each fall and crash, I am able to put the pieces back together at a quicker pace. My recovery time is hastened and I more quickly gain eyes to see things as they really were. I am bouncing back faster every time and am remembering those things that get me through quicker. I know that I cannot wallow for it only makes it worse. I know I cannot expect things to change for the ideal because they never do. All I can do is work to move forward and learn and this I know greatly.

I cannot deny that I also know I, more than anything, want that next part. I want love. I want marriage. I want a family. I don't mean this to scare off potential suitors, I simply mean to be honest. If I try to deny that these are my most prominent and pressing goals, I think it will only increase the heartaches I'll face.

From now on, I will try to search for a man and not a boy. I will search for the one that is ready for me. I will not be slowed down with flattery and sweet smiles any longer. I will try to add the gentle skepticism of an older and wiser me to my sweet disposition. I know I will falter in my quest but I think it will be easier to go forward if I can remember the past. A wise monkey said we can either run from the past or learn from it. I like to think that I'll be able to do both. I do not want to carry around my old relationships but I cannot allow myself to forget because they are important to know what I look for from here.

And now, I press forward. I move on. I don't forget what I've learned but I cannot let it hold me back.